Ford stupored, remains mayor


 By Gaberaham Lunncoln

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was found this past week to be acting in a ludicrous manner in the presence of the media and all those wielding iPhones.

Seen in a shaky video featuring poor sound quality, the mayor was acting rambunctious during a city social event where he’d apparently gone into a “drunken stupor,” causing him to offend others around him. Among the potential drugs the mayor could have consumed are crack-cocaine, overpriced wine, regular cocaine, his character, or crack-cocaine, though none of these are confirmed.

The mayor has since apologized for his behaviour, restating it as a “drunken stupor.” Ford also stated that he will continue to dedicate himself to his city through healthier living and “non-drunken stupors.”

Later that day, Ford was found running through downtown Toronto acting in such a way that might be described as a Chris Farley or a Hulk Hogan impression.

Rob Ford Must Go protesters stood outside the Ford offices in a grouchy manner yelling to other citizens on the street that Ford is definitely not Toronto’s choice of mayor. When members of the protest were asked who they believed would be best suited for the city’s next mayor, they responded with a hesitant “whoever’s next.”

Ford has insisted that he is the appropriate choice for Toronto, stating again that he is a man of the people and that other politicians are aristocrats who “just don’t get the people like I get the people,” said Ford before speeding off in his chauffeured Lincoln Town Car with three showgirls and a marching band following them as downtown traffic was parted.