Health- and planet-conscious students must eat only wild plants, demand vegan gravity

Humour

Dearest Reader,

That our unhappy race has inexorably altered our little blue dot of a home-world by machinations for our own glory, expansion, and luxury is now beyond the dispute of all but the most willfully unobservant. Since this revelation, the era of reassuringly more witting self-destruction in which we now live (on the nature of which I have before written here), has seen the call for all manner of strategies by which to avail ourselves of the time we have left in plotting our salvation. The seeds of these sources of green and wholesome wisdom have germinated since the latter half of the last century. Yet it is in the more recent decades of this millennium that we have finally opened our eyes to the wisdom of handing over the banner of ‘Go Green,’ along with so much else, to the trusted gods of the corporate pantheon. Alas, that ever we lived in a world where asparagus water was not sold at forty dollars per unit on every corner! As I warrant such innovations herald the turning of a new age, I am compelled to offer a few organic vegan nuggets of my own advice, that my readers may expand their efforts to avert the dangers of chemical contamination and unnatural living. 

To begin, many health-and-environment-conscious folk still agonize about how best to identify foods untainted by human modification. A few staples have been settled upon, from organic kale to garden-grown cauliflower. I myself remain aghast at the warping of natural plant life which led to the development of these varieties, and only consume wild mustard plants wherever I can find them. For protein, I have taken to hunting the deer which roam UVic’s campus grounds. As firearms or even spears are vile things of our own making, I humanely bludgeon prey to death with sticks I have collected. Occasionally I am offered gifts by my fellow health-conscious peers, such as the several ears of corn I was given last week — though these I had to refuse, on the grounds that our modern corn has been unnaturally bred from its parent state. Truly, was there any nation so enslaved to genetically modified crops as the Aztecs? I have even had to withdraw my previously high respect for the Indigenous peoples of our own fair region on learning that they meddled with the state of plants and animals alike with their despicably unnatural invention of horticulture. Can even the most storied cultures not leave the world exactly as they found it?

The question is often asked of what manner of world we shall leave to our children, in an age so plagued by the malignant fancies of GMOs, inorganic waste, and non-vegan gravity. For those still resigned to living out their remaining sorry days “on the grid,” I recommend the protection of our young ones by keeping them as removed from the toxin-tainted cities as possible. Being as the very air around us shivers with electromagnetic radiation unseen, we might one day raise children in bunkers beneath the ground, shielded by walls of healing crystals and safe from radios, smartphones, and the hellfire of ultraviolet radiation.  

Lastly, our most harrowing task is likely to be the purification of our bodies from all chemical agents. When I inquired with a certain distinguished biology undergrad, he informed me of the most dizzying hurdles involved in this, for it seems most of us are not aware of the many chemical agents planted in our flesh prisons from the very day of our birth. For example, I am told that upwards of 60 per cent of our bodies are filled with the chemical dihydrogen monoxide! Thus, if science can yet do us any good, it will be in divining how we might reduce our bodies to their natural, pure, elemental states — and then preferably only the elements I can pronounce. 

Despite the weight of the tasks seated firmly now on the shoulders of a green (in multiple senses of the word) generation, I am confident we will find ourselves equal to them. And as I have stated above, we can scarcely fear the end of our great crusade when at last even the great capitalist ventures of the world have come over to our side. And while I grant that I have written from a place of privilege, as not all of us are blessed to run free, clubbing hapless urban mammals and munching seed-grass, any humble fellow can buy the Himalayan salt lamp or home herb-garden kit that may start him on the journey.