(In which the writer takes a shot before and after each star sign is written. This should be good …)
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Signs point to positive energies this week. It’s those pants, bro! They look good! What? No, they’re not too tight!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you were considering buying anything this week, hold back. Finances will be difficult to manage. Pick your sucker, lead them on and let them buy your drinks tonight!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Keep your friends close in the near future. You’re gonna need someone to play wingman, remember your wallet and stop you from starting shit with the bouncer. You always do that.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s all about confidence! Now’s the time to ruffle those feathers and become the peacock. “Hey, those girls over there are cute! You gonna go say ’sup? I’m gonna go say ’sup!
. . . Yeah, I’m gonna go say ’sup! Gimme a minute! Jeez . . .”
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You might find it hard to stay focused this week. “That guy’s not hot, but that other guy’s totally hot! Oh my [G]od, I LOVE this song!”
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Be aware of all one-on-one interactions. When you tell the DJ that you “totally wanna hear a song by LMFAO!” his body language will tell you he doesn’t give a shit. He really doesn’t.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Good things will come in threes, or fours, or nines. This rule includes, but is not limited to, shots. (The writer has had a lot of shots at this point. For reference, listen to the song “Shots” by LMFAO. It’s the worst song ever, but you’ll get the idea.)
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Outside pressures will try to break you down this week. Just dance it all away, girlfriend. Just dance it all away . . .
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your willpower will be tested this week. Be strong and endure. Okay, I may have lied earlier. Those pants are very tight and your genitals are mad visible. Play it cool.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
This week is all about forgetting your head and following your heart. “This is so much fun, I freakin’ love this song but the last song was sucky, where’d my friend go, *burp* I don’t feel so good …”
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
Beware of committing too much this week. You don’t have to read the stars to see this one coming. That person you’ve been dancing with is gonna puke. They’re gonna chuff all over the place, and their friend is nowhere to be found, making you the schlub they’re gonna cry to on the front steps for the next half hour. Abort! Abort!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
“You’re not getting into the club tonight. Why? Because I don’t like your face! And you smell like fish.”
(The writer is well drunk and is going to take a nap now. Twelves shots of cake-flavoured vodka was a shitty idea.)