Horoscopes for very specific groups of people: Astrology for people who need to figure it out


Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Love is on the horizon! If you are single, you may meet someone new. If you are currently with someone, you will be presented with an opportunity to advance your relationship to a new level. Either way, you need to figure it out, homie! Get in there and take that down.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Secrets that you have kept for a long time may become a burden for you. This week, you will have the chance to let it all out. And I advise you to do that, because you don’t need any emotional wreckage sitting on your heart lawn like an abandoned pickup truck, kid. What does that mean? Put it all on blast. Figure it out.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Certain elements of your life may become overwhelming for you this week. Figure it out, G! Take a step back, breathe and reassess your situation. If you don’t like it, bounce. How hard is that? Huh? Figure it out.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
No matter how insignificant, your talents will come in handy in the near future. So use what you got! Go ahead and show ’em what you’re workin’ with! Shake what your momma gave ya! Figure it out.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
A boon to your finances is coming shortly. Feel free to treat yourself in ways you normally wouldn’t this week, especially if you’re out in public, knaw’mean? Go ’head and make it rain on the masses! Stay flossin’, homie; figure it out.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will be given some good advice this week. Heed it, but be sure you understand it first, as it may be vague. Just sit down and figure it out, and you’ll be fine. Seriously.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
A long line of personal challenges, both small and grand, is coming your way. The best way to figure it all out is to . . . figure it out! Low on your finances? There’s mad money in illegal firearms and other branches of the black market. Figure it out. Allergic to your partner’s cat? Sometimes animals have to die. They’ll understand. Figure it out.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
The stars are soon shifting into a new phase, and good times may be coming to an end. The transition can be hard to deal with. All you gotta do is channel those positive vibes from before and keep the good times coming, even when it ain’t all that good, word? Focus your chi, homie. Figure it out.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Don’t be afraid to be direct this week, even if it’s out of character for you. Staying reserved may result in missed opportunities. Let them suckas know how you roll. If they don’t like it, that means they haven’t figured it out yet.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan.19)
A friend or loved one may start acting strangely this week. Do not go with your first instinct this time. Instead, when they start trippin’, stand back and check their game out. Don’t react. When their behaviour shifts into confusion, patiently say to them: “Figure your whole damn life out, fam! Figure out all of it.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Now is the time to go for an ambition that you have longed to pursue. Figure it out by taking up chess! Figure it out by learning the drums! Figure it out by learning how to make crystal methamphetamines out of common household products. Just be sure to buy said products from different stores and pay in cash to diminish the paper trail. Hmm. That’s the second illegal thing I’ve suggested today. Whatever, figure it out.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Why are you crying, Pisces? Oh, I see. You’re sad because I’m leaving. Hey, chin up, buddy! I might come back for the holidays! I just gotta go figure some stuff out. And I’m sure you’ll figure something out, too! Now go take a shower. You smell like fish.