Horoscopes For Very Specific Groups of People: Astrology for vampires


Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Major changes are coming for you soon. Kind of like puberty! You know, with the sudden teeth growth, the bad skin and the shitty fashion. It may have something to do with that hickey from last week, but who can be sure, right? Just keep the blinds closed and roll with the punches, ‘cause this is gonna get weird . . .

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

This is the best time of the year for you to indulge those new cravings you might be feeling! Go right ahead, and don’t feel bad about taking a bite out of life. Mwuahahaha! *Thunderclap* (Sorry. I’ll try to keep that to a minimum.)

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

During a moment of preparation this week, trust your instincts. Bring that sunscreen with you. Lots of it. Bring extra. In fact, invest in the company. Buy some shares. It may come in handy.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

If you find yourself thinking about your past, let it inform your steps ahead this week and even into the next. It’s like that time in the ’60s when you bit that one dude at Woodstock and he was on some crazy shit, so you got totally wasted. Good times.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

When fatigue sets in, don’t be afraid to take a well-deserved rest. It’s OK buddy: it’s just a coffin! Almost everybody gets into one . . . eventually. Mwuahahahaha! *Thunderclap* (Yeah, there may be one or two more of those.)

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Beware of outside influences, for they may not truly understand you. Like, I get that you’re a vampire and all, but dressing like Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys is not OK. It never will be in a thousand years. And trust me: you’ll live through those thousand years regretting it.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You should drink some blood this week. And next week. Probably the week after, too. The week after that, though, you should go on a cleanse. V8?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

This week will bring with it the realization that it’s OK to be different from the rest. You get to walk in the sun. You get to carry around a badass sword and silver stakes. You get to rock a dope lookin’ high-top fade with the mad sick-cuts in the side. You get to hunt the Nosferatus, the Draculas and the Blackulas. Walk proud, Daywalker. Walk proud.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Heed any and all warnings this week. Watch out for Scorpios especially, ’cause those bastards are comin’ for ya and they mean business!

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan.19)

While your powers may be great, exactly how you handle them will be tested this week. It would be best to remember that with great power comes great — HOLY SHIT! I JUST TURNED INTO A BAT! SWEET! DID YOU KNOW THAT WE CAN TURN INTO BATS? WICKED!

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You should take up a new activity this week. Squash, perhaps? Also, beware the sun, for it will rend the flesh from your body and turn your bones to ash.

Pisces (Feb. 19– March 20)

You, on the other hand, should go away for a few hundred years. Also, beware the sun, for it will . . . make you sparkle? Really? How are you even calling yourself a vampire?