Horoscopes for very specific groups of people: This week: astrology for freestyle rappers


Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Yo. It’s time for you to stop, look and listen to the stars above. Aries is the god of war, but for you they whisper “love.” And I know you feel like you’ve walked the whole route of it, actin’ like Alicia Keys, falling in and out of it. But love ain’t the lames and lead-brains outside the club, more like the pleasure of a conversation at the SUB. Enjoy your lunch. (Instrumental: “Little Pleasures” by Tokimonsta.)

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The stars dictate you’re staring at the Taurus in the mirror, but you’ll really need to focus for the image to be clearer. Reflect on your life and thoughts and channel what your teachers taught, but don’t just sit around, T. Go pick up a hobby! Exercise your mind as well as your body! (Instrumental: “Getting There” by Flying Lotus.)

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Ignore the haters. This is a discussion between you and I. This is just astronomer and Gemini. For one week only, you’ll be facing off against some judging jabronis. Don’t pay no mind. Remember your roots and tell ’em kick rocks ’till there’s holes in their boots. You spit the truth. Stay positive, G. (Instrumental: “How Does It Feel” by Pharrell Williams.)

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The path you walk leads ultimately to a test, so don’t be scared; be prepared for when the conflict manifests. The signs are visible and easy to read, and you might be defeated if the warnings aren’t heeded. If you don’t listen, you’ve already conceded. (Instrumental: “Kick Push” by Lupe Fiasco.)

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You will enter a valley of shadows and fear. Don’t break down. Don’t shed tears. Instead, look like Woody and Buzz Lightyear and depend on a friend or a soul you hold dear. (Instrumental: “Iron” by Woodkid.)

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Advance into the week with cautious glances. Don’t forget, protect ya neck and protect ya finances. Don’t live fast, lest your cheddar get blasted and the movement of Uranus straight kicks your ass, son. Also, you need to diversify your bonds, V. (Instrumental: “Triumph” by the Wu-Tang Clan.)

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Alright, calm down, chill out, don’t blow a gasket, and know that your week is gonna be fantastic! Even though the sun is hiding and the rain is pouring fast, your future’s brightly shining, lit by starlight from the past! Keep the beat of life bumpin’ and the bass line thumpin’ ’cause it gets your soul jumpin’ when you put it on blast! (Instrumental: “Arrow Root’’ by MF Doom.)

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You might feel like your life is standing at attention. That means it’s time for some brand-new adventures, be you old or young, diapers or dentures. And I know that you know, so I shouldn’t have to mention; if you hesitate, nowhere it’ll get’cha. Carpe Diem, the world is your oyster, from the Serengeti Plains to the Shaolin cloisters.  (Instrumental: “It’s Your World” by J-Dilla, R.I.P.)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Take a step back — give yourself some R&R because you’re working too hard and you’re working too long. You feel you need to prove that your spirit is strong, but don’t neglect your health; you got a life to prolong! Sit back, close your eyes, kick your feet up and let the keys ride. (Instrumental: “Mystline” by Nujabes, R.I.P.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan.19)
Alright, your love life is tumultuous, bus with no suspension, time to put it on suspension like a kid who skipped detention. Oh yeah, that’s right, let Capricorn do Capricorn, and if you’re feeling lonely, then let Capricorn do Capricorn! See what I did there? See what I didn’t do? Whatever. You get it. It’s time to do you. (Instrumental: “Freaks and Geeks” by Childish Gambino.)

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’re a freakin walkin’ paradox, I know that’s better when Tyler says it, but it’s true, so pull up your socks. It’s time to make decisions about some critical topics and tell the indecisive will inside your mind to effin’ stop it. I can’t condemn you once you’ve made up your effin’ mind, but I can recommend that when you’re done, you watch Adventure Time. (Instrumental: “Yonkers” by Tyler the Creator.)

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Yo! Hey, I am Pisces, and I’m here to say that I like to rap in the . . . hip-hop way! Hey, wait, why’d the beat stop? Hello? My mic’s not working. I don’t know why. Hey! Who turned out the lights! It’s dark in here!(Instrumental: Deafening silence and eternal loneliness.)