How to trick-or-treat in your twenties

Humour Stories | Satire
Illustration by Zoe Collier, Graphic Contributor
Illustration by Zoe Collier, Graphic Contributor

Do you remember when Halloween wasn’t about getting drunk at that Halloween party hosted by that friend of a roommate of yours, or what generic group costume you’ll wear? I’m talking about when Halloween was centred around that beautiful western tradition called trick-or-treating, the one night of the year where kids are allowed to take free candy from strangers.

We will always remember the moment it dawns on us that we are too old to go trick-or-treating. We either figure it out for ourselves from the dirty looks or comments we get from neighbours eyeing down our sexy sailor costume, or, like me, from our parents, who simply tell us that we can’t do it anymore (leading to that one final attempt to do it behind their backs, only to be met with the hostile reactions from neighbours eyeing down our sexy sailor costume).

Fret not, readers. Below is a fool-proof list of ways to get away with trick-or-treating in your 20s. If rules are properly followed, this list is guaranteed to serve you well for years to come.

1. Hire that neighbourhood kid on your block to trick-or-treat for you. 

They may require a handsome ransom so as not to rat you out to their parents, so be careful in negotiations. They’ll probably want to trick-or-treat themselves, so make sure to provide them with an alternative costume so they can make a second round.

2. Arrange to go halfsies on a two-person costume with a /very/ close friend. 

Specifically, try for a horse or dragon costume, which will require the tallest of the two to lean over, facing the front person’s rear end. Even if your neighbour questions the height of the person standing up, they cannot prove the person in the back is not your child or younger sibling.

3. Claim you’re picking up candy for your sick sibling. 

Be ready to explain and answer any questions/comments that are thrown your way: Who is your sibling? What ailment do they have? Do you have a picture of them? Are you a lying piece of s!#% taking advantage of a children’s holiday? (The answer to this one is always no; don’t let them guilt you for being young at heart.)

4. Explain that you are only 10 years old, but that you have a genetic disorder, making you abnormally tall for your age.

A business card or sign around your neck explaining your problem may simplify matters, and could even draw sympathy, thus increasing candy flow.

5.  Finally, for the moral citizen, you can actually collect perishable goods to donate to your local food bank. 

Your kind-hearted deed will not go unnoticed by neighbours — bring an “emergency bag” for the candy they will throw at you for your seemingly altruistic deed.

*For option #2 and #5, practice disguising your voice prior to setting out.

*For option #4, opt for a costume with a mask so they can’t see your facial hair.