International students thrilled at prospect of tuition hikes

Humour Stories | Satire
Illustration by Natalie Inez, Graphics Contributor
Illustration by Natalie Inez, Graphics Contributor

According to a recent poll commissioned by the UVic Board of Governors, 97 per cent of UVic’s international students reported feeling “moderately excited to completely thrilled” about the increase in their tuition fees.

The remaining three per cent of students were seen being shuffled into a Degrees Catering van, described by various sources as having “a bunch of bullet holes in the trunk” and “smelling like chloroform.”

“Some dude in a mask was driving the van. You know, like, the mask from V for Vendetta?” said Chad ‘The Hurricane’ Chadman, a first-year student and avid soul-patch grower.

“That movie changed my life, man,” he added, taking a sip from his egg-white protein shake before leaving to partake in a game of ultimate frisbee.

The international student tuition hikes are meant to address the actual inflationary costs of the university, and effectively ends the past practice of limiting  international tuition increases to the same rate applied to domestic tuition.

In a press release, a representative for the UVic Board of Governors said the the extra revenue earned through international tuition hikes would be used to fund the construction of additional edges around campus.

“Our research indicates that students are frustrated by the lack of discoverable edges on the UVic campus,” she said. “We aim to build at least 200 more edges by the end of 2017 to ensure that every student will have the opportunity to discover his or her personal edge.”

“That counts as equality, right?”

When asked about their reaction to the board’s decision, UVic’s international students couldn’t help but smile and look nervously around for hidden cameras.

“Paying more for my education? Sounds like my idea of a fun time!” said Julia Xu, an international student from Shanghai.

“Not to mention how much I enjoy working two jobs on top of my busy schedule. I don’t mean to brag, but I haven’t slept in four days!” Xu added that the heart condition she had developed from abusing caffeine pills was “really just a lifestyle choice.”

“My mother cried when I called to tell her the exciting news,” said Patrik Bernstein, an Applied Sciences major from Germany. Bernstein was quick to clarify that his mother’s tears were those of joy rather than of despair due to being unable to afford her son’s post-secondary education.