Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Hear those graduation bells ring!

Humour Spoof

Graduation is the perfect opportunity to donate money to UVic

Ah, April. Springtime for most, hell for university students. And it’s worse for those about to graduate; it’s a time of exam stress, job hunting, and an endless stream of ‘What are you going to do after you graduate?’ and everyone looks so disappointed when you say you plan to sleep for five to eight months — even though that is a completely valid plan, Aunt Debbie!

With all this pressure, it can be difficult to look on the bright side. But the Ostrich is here to help. As a graduating student, you are being given the prime opportunity to give UVic any money you have left after a very expensive undergrad!

Graduation is the perfect time to invest. You may be broke, scraping together the last few months of rent, and splitting a Hungry Man dinner every night with your six roommates, but at least you will have the chance to support UVic one last time.

Before you can dream of attending the actual convocation, you need to apply to graduate. This costs $50 if you apply by the regular fee deadline, but if you really want to put your money where all your other money is, you’ll apply late for an extra charge of $10.

Next, you’ll get an email asking you to confirm that you’ll be attending convocation. You need to fill out a form confirming the degree you’re planning to receive and how many guests you’ll have (maximum three, so choose your favourite friends and family ASAP).

Then, you’re asked to rent your regalia. Thankfully, this is yet another opportunity to shell out more of those precious dolla dolla bills to UVic. You philanthropist, you. If you’re early in renting your polyester sack and dashing cap that looks good on no one, you’ll receive a $10 discount making the gown $30. But again, if you wait, you can put your instant noodles money towards a far worthier cause: making UVic richer.

The regalia can cost you a bit more if you return it late — $5 per day, to be exact — but that’s up to you.

Graduation photos are another fantastic opportunity to halve your grocery fund. Those can cost you a pretty penny and you may look at them ones of times in the next 50 years.

And finally, you’ll receive your diploma at graduation, but if you bribe your dog to shred it or rip it apart and hand out a piece to everyone at the convocation à la Mean Girls, you can order a replacement for the low, low charge or $75. Ka-ching! Fortunately, that means you can donate the last of your student loans to the institution.

If you play your cards right, on top of four years of tuition, you can invest at least $180 more before you leave UVic.

See, $558.45 for MATH 100 was so worth it.

It’s important to support your university because it’s a tough business – ahem, not business, that makes it sound like they’re in it for the money when it’s clearly about sharing knowledge.

And hey, maybe you don’t have anything left to invest before grad. But never fear! You’re now an alumnus which means the university will ask you to donate money for the rest of your life. Congratulations and happy spending, kids!