Local profile: Victoria’s only public conspiracy theorist picketer

Humour Stories | Satire

HUMOUR — A local man often stands between Douglas and Fort streets holding a sign that reads “The Government taps your phone!” and has been there for over 10 years according to local sources. The man is known as “Buckle,” although that is not his real name. He refuses to give anyone his actual name, stating, “The government gave me my ‘real’ name. I have no use for it.”

Buckle says he has been standing at street corners for as long as he can remember, which isn’t that long, as aliens erased his memory in the early 2000s. “I was just minding my own business when they took up into their rectangular saucer—which tells me they won’t know much about wind resistance and speed. They ear probed me and took away all my change. Before letting me back to earth, they told me not to tell anyone what happened, because everyone would call me crazy—but they don’t own me!” Since then, Buckle has been spreading the word of not only alien abduction, but also the dangers of government surveillance, through his many signs, such as “9/11 was an inside job” and “Honk if you love tinfoil hats.”
But life as a conspiracy theorist picketer comes with its own set of challenges. Coming up with new, interesting signs has proven difficult for Buckle lately, with increasing coverage of government corruption and NSA surveillance. “I can’t use my tapped phone or 9/11 signs anymore,” states Buckle. “I feel like it’s old news, and really my job is to inform the masses with new information.” Although Buckle is saddened by the turn, he hasn’t given up. “Until I think of another sign, I’ve just decided to make up this ‘I told you’ sign to remind passer-byers that I am a reliable source of information.”

As Buckle displays his “I told you so” sign on an early weekday morning, he remains hopeful for the future. “It’s only just a matter of time before I’ll get a new message from the cloud and can start picketing something new again.” When asked how he was able to connect to the Internet, he claimed that he was actually talking about a white cloud in the sky that relayed information to him from time to time.