Low oil prices hurt everyone

Humour Stories | Satire
Mary Robertson (graphic)
Mary Robertson (graphic)

HUMOUR— Because of the talk surrounding the price of oil hurting Fort McMurray’s economy—and the rest of Alberta as a whole—I decided to get a first-hand perspective. I recently talked with one of Fort McMurray’s drug dealers over Facebook. I don’t normally include this, but when I called him he insisted on doing it over Facebook message because he doesn’t trust phones. I asked him if he was aware that Facebook can monitor his activity too and he said, “It’s tight, I make sure all my privacy settings are wicked high.” What proceeds is an edited transcript of Chad’s responses. The conversation has been condensed.

AH: To start, tell us a little more about yourself. Outside of the life of drug dealing.

C: Well I suppose for those that dont know, I recently just started up another branch of my enter-prize outside of the drugs. It’s a peelers-bar called The Beaver Lodge. But what sucks is like now that business isn’t doin so well neither. The ladies that usually dance for me have to go tour the southern half of the province just to keep tips up.

AH: And what about the dealing? How has that changed?

C: Well fuck eh? Its like Knight and Day. I mean half of my buyers havent gotten a cheque in a couple of months. What can they do about that? The struggle is real ya-know? It’s rough that these gas prices are, like affecting the economy and all. Like who coulda guessed? The big business’s problems is affecting all of us little guys.

AH: I believe it’s called trickle-down economics. Or perhaps a lack thereof.

C: Yah I can get that haha. Its like the big businessman is trickling on us.

AH: Right.

C: Like with his wang I mean. Ya-know, urine.

AH: Yah I got it, thanks. So what does this mean for your business in the future. Gas is a finite resource. What is your plan if the prices never pick up? Or for the next time they drop?

C: Well I mean I can always just go hard in the paint and sell it on the corners, but I think I’m just gonna have to divest ya-know?

AH: Divest? Oh really, fascinating. How do you plan on doing that?

C: Well probably opening more strip joints. I mean sure my main dancers had to leave The Beaver Lodge, but it still gets me some dough. Once I get the money saved up I’m going to open another joint but with men dancing. That way I got the whole market or whateva.

AH: Any name ideas for that business?

C: Timber Shed. Easy.

AH: A major real estate agent in Fort McMurray has announced it is switching back to a buyers market for real estate now. Is that not uplifting news?

C: Well no, not really. I mean, just cause some suit says somethin like that don’t make it true, ya-know? Plus, its only a fuckin buyers market cause there was so many people fleeing the city that now hot shot real estate guys are snatchin it back up. Those bastards just wanna flip it back once the oil sands start warmin up again.

AH: So you’re hopeful that business will bounce back?

C: Oh yah for sure. Ya-know, i’m in the fortunate business of cocaine and meth, so some of my best customers, bless ‘em, have continued buying even amidst the drought of work. Other than that, everyone needs oil and a handful of those workers need drugs. Its like they say on the lion king, its the fuckin circus of life, it just goes round and round like one big circus ride.