Vancouver, B.C. — A local B.C. man has stumbled upon the discovery of a lifetime. Outside the back porch of his modest Georgian estate in North Surrey, Franklin Harrow found what he believes to be not only Aztec treasure, but also incontrovertible proof that he is the rightful Queen of England.
The Aztec treasure, rumoured to have been stolen by the hirsute conquistador Herman Cortez, is said to contain an unfathomable number of gold pieces, as well as priceless cultural artifacts from Aztec society.
“Of course, the gold’s exciting,” said Harrow, “but what I’m really jazzed about is a piece of paper I found at the bottom of the chest that clearly states that I’m actually the Queen of England. I’m not sure what Elizabeth has, but I’d like to at least see her long-form birth certificate.”
The details of how Aztec gold found its way under the ground in the Pacific Northwest, some 17 000 kilometres from the original location of the famed Halls of Montecristo, where the treasure is said to have originated, remain unclear.
“What I think actually happened,” said Harrow, “is that the treasure somehow gained consciousness. Now, I’m not saying this is likely, necessarily, but isn’t it at least possible that some kind of ancient Aztec magic propelled the treasure here to help support me in my bid for the throne? Let’s talk about that more.”
Edward Oliphant, a next-door neighbour to Harrow, was somewhat skeptical. “He’s always been a bit strange, but a queen? I’d never have thought it. Still, I suppose there is the way he carries himself. It certainly wasn’t common, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Although the content of the note that proves Harrow’s lineage remains secret for now, the presumptive royal has promised that he will reveal the details as soon as he is able. “It’s a very sensitive subject right now, on account of the fact that there are so many people whose feelings could be hurt,” said Harrow. “I understand Prince William and Duchess Kate recently had a baby, and I don’t want to make them feel like their child won’t be able to find work. I’m looking into a possible compromise whereby I’ll be Queen of England, and the baby might be able to rule over Scotland or Ireland instead.”
The Royal Family has given no official comment on the story yet, but an inside source is saying the current Queen is quite upset. It would seem there might be some merit yet to the claim, and a member of the British Parliament who spoke on the condition of anonymity said, “It’s something we all knew would happen eventually. If you think about it, the very idea of Elizabeth as queen is preposterous. If she’s got a chest of gold, god knows I’ve never seen it!”
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has released a short statement to the press expressing support for a homegrown monarch, saying, “While we support and love our current monarch, we’d sure like to see a Canadian on the throne for once. That’d be a nice change.”
But until all of Harrow’s proof becomes public, it appears Canadians will have no choice but to wait and hope.