Man makes scene at Costco

Humour Stories | Satire

HUMOUR — The Costco staff at Langford was forced to call the authorities last week when a man refused to leave the premises after being caught without a Costco member’s ID. The man, later identified as Alex Hughes, was refused checkout through the cash register when he failed to present his Costco card to the cashier. James Camery, the cashier who worked the till Hughes attempted to go through, was available for comment and spoke to the Martlet about the experience. “Everything seemed normal until I asked for his Costco card,” states Camery. “But then I told him without a card he would be unable to pay for his purchases in the store.”

According to witnesses, when hearing the news, Hughes became highly agitated and refused to budge from his spot in line. “He claimed he had a right as a Canadian citizen to buy his four shopping carts of cottage cheese and shoe polish at the price offered without a membership card,” states Camery. “When I tried to explain the rules and regulations of Costco, he refused to listen and just started yelling ‘Don’t tread on me!’” Out of options, Camery called the manager for assistance; unfortunately, when Costco’s manager, Rob Artin, arrived, it only made the situation worse.

“When Mr. Hughes figured out I was the manager, he became much more hostile,” states Artin. “He claimed that ‘The Man wasn’t going to keep him down from getting the prices he deserves.’”

Hughes then commanded the people behind him in line to “rise up against the price oppressors” which created no response except for a reported slight awkwardness. With no other option, Artin was forced to call the authorities. Hughes responded by quickly grabbing a set of Nerf guns and dashing into the Costco jungle-gym display. Once the authorities responded, they found Hughes and began using non-lethal BB guns as Hughes responded by shooting Nerf bullets. After a 10-minute shoot-out, Hughes ran out of Nerf bullets and was apprehended by police, while stating, “I should have grabbed the bulk pack.” Once taken out of the building, Hughes began yelling “Sheeple! You’re all just worthless sheeple!” to anyone within ear shot, while continuing to resist arrest. Before being taken into the police car, Hughes was heard shouting toward an unknown person, demanding that Costco stop keeping out the 99 per cent and hiding behind its membership cards.

Hughes has successfully been taken in for questioning and has a court date scheduled for next month, due to his multiple trespassing offenses. According to sources, Hughes has been caught many times trying to use several gyms in the Victoria area, as well as the Victoria Country Club, without a membership. Courtney Sherick, an employee at the Victoria Country Club, stated that she has had quite a few run-ins with Hughes. “He just keeps on coming in,” states Sherick. “Once we found him swimming in the chocolate fountain, and he wouldn’t leave until we called the cops. He kept on calling us ‘Sheeple,’ which the sheep herder society, who were holding their annual conference here, was very offended by.”

The Sheep Herder Society was unavailable for comment.