New nickel features Tim Hortons doughnut

Humour Stories | Satire

HUMOUR: The last adjustment to the Canadian currency is set to launch in the fall of 2014: a new nickel. The new look will feature a hole in the centre of the coin and a removal of both the queen and the beaver. “We hope this will finally get people to stop complaining about our currency,” said J. Marc Brûlé, Chief Emerging Payments Officer at the Royal Canadian Mint. “One could say this design will represent a new era of transparency,” he added with a chuckle.

“Most people seemed happy with the removal of the penny, or at least not upset,” said Brûlé, “but that seems like it was not enough.” Most coin dissenters have found issues with both the plastic bills and the nickel itself. “ One of those dang plastic bills done melted on my dashboard last week,” said Dunk Runkles, a 45-year-old protester from outside the Winnipeg Mint, which manufactures all Canadian coins in circulation. When the follow-up question, ”Really?” was asked, Runkles added, “Yah! Got a melted five-er on my PBR beer cozy. Ruined my day!” When asked to see the melted bill, Runkles was unable to produce it on the basis that he “lent it to [his] aunt.”

A hole in the middle obviously impedes the placement of Canada’s national rodent. So what’s quintessentially Canadian and has a hole in the centre? “Yup, a chocolate dip from Tim’s,” said Brûlé, “I wanted vanilla dip, but the sprinkles came across bad when minted.”  They’re expecting flak from the nation’s dietitians but Brûlé said that, “it’s hard to find a toroidal and Canadian object besides the doughnut, and a hole in the centre saves money, and gives a distinction between the nickel and quarter.”

The nickel’s diameter is three millimeters smaller than the quarter, which makes telling the two apart an issue. “I’ve always gotten the two mixed up,” said Dr. Albie Paynemore, dean of economics at UBC, “so I understand where they’re coming from on a few different levels.” Dr. Paynemore went on to say that with fewer materials used per coin, the nation can expect to save up to $4 million per year.

Why can’t the nickel be changed in size or removed? “Geez, why can’t you people just be happy?” asked Brûlé, “This will be fun, OK? There’s a hole in it! You could make jewelry out of it or something. Can you just leave my office now?”

For more information e-mail J. Marc Brûlé at: