Non-profit organization urges public to donate more brains

Humour Stories | Satire

HUMOUR—Piece of Mind (POM), a non-profit organization that sends brains to Third World countries, held a press conference yesterday asking the public for their support and donations. According to executive director James Howard, the organization has seen a dramatic drop in donations over the past six months.

“We are urging our citizens to donate generously in this time of need,” said Howard. According to their Annual Report, the organization was meeting or exceeding its donation goals for the past five years. “We were doing very well during the rise of smartphones, TLC reality shows, and Angry Birds,” said Howard. “In the past, a large percentage of people were willing to give up the majority of their brain because they just weren’t using it.” But despite their past success, POM has recently encountered a large decline in donations.

The organization helps those in Africa and South America by providing excess brains that people in First World countries can donate anonymously. These brains are distributed in the hope that their citizens will utilize the brain matter more than those who donated them. “In places where there are few or no schools or universities it seems like a waste to not donate what we don’t use as a country,” said Howard. “We can’t help by offering aid to help them build their own schools as that is much too complicated and requires a long attention span. This is the next best thing.”
But despite good intentions, POM is struggling as an organization. “With the rise of the new shows like Cosmos, our donations are quickly shrinking,” said Howard. “Michael Bay hasn’t released a huge blockbuster movie since 2011 and fewer people are watching television. We aren’t sure how we are going to meet our goals if people aren’t going to donate their brain because they are already using it.” 

Though the future might seem grim for POM, Howard remains hopeful that the public will respond positively and donate to those in need. “We know that even with Cosmos on the air and the rise of Netflix, reality shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and the recent Transformers films are here to stay.” 

Along with the conference, POM is planning to raise awareness by creating a reality show fundraising campaign called Survivor: Pledge Edition where their board of directors will be trapped on an island surrounded by man-eating shark-bear infested waters. Each person will be forced to complete horrid tasks like eating their old toothbrushes and listening to the music they thought was cool when they were teenagers. Viewers can call or text in to vote and are given more voting power based on the amount of their own brain they donate. Howard admits he is nervous about the task, but he is determined to do what needs to be done. 

“The Third World needs us and can utilize that brain matter better than we can. We just need to reach out and find those forgotten mindless audiences and ask for donations.” 

When asked if the Third World actually needed or even wanted First World brains Howard said “I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it. I’ve just been marathoning shows on Netflix for the past couple weeks.”