Now I am become bees, destroyer of clock

Humour Stories | Satire

Tick-tock, Jamie Cassels. Tick. Tock.

Pictured: Clearihue’s clock tower. Not pictured: thousands of bees. Photo by Cormac O’Brien, Editor-in-Chief

Clearihue Clock was first installed in 1963, when the building was unveiled to the public. Nowadays, students might not notice the clock because they have one on their phone, laptop, or tablet, but the clock tower has stopped working.

We contacted the university for their official answer. Ron Proulx, Executive Director of Facilities Management, said the clock had stopped working due to a natural wearing-down and the difficulty of finding original parts.

But this answer seemed too easy. And due to the fact that writers for the Martlet have taken a sworn blood-oath as the University’s only independent newspaper to bother everyone until every question has been answered, we decided to dig deeper.

“Clearihue clock tower isn’t broken, per se,” says Jamie Cassels, UVic’s resident spiritual advisor. “The clock tower is actually just full of bees that have chewed through the primary power line to accommodate their gimungous nest. We would repair it, but we don’t want to get stung.”

Jamie Cassels is correct, aside from the fact that “gimungous” isn’t a word.

It’s sort of a portmanteau of “ginormous” paired with “humongous,” both of which are barely words in their own right. After rigorous debate in the office, we’d like to publish our finding that “gimungous” is not, in fact, a word. He should have used “gargantuan” if he wanted a big word with a big meaning.

Cassels’ limited vocabulary aside, he is correct in saying that there are too many bees in Clearihue Clock tower for it to be functional.

A proposed solution to the bee problem is to expose them to Director of Outreach and Community Relations Pierre-Paul Angelblazer’s new mixtape, which is allegedly fire.

“Clearihue has a clock tower?”

However, this solution is not without its controversy, due to the fact that legally the mixtape is classified as a weapon of mass destruction by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS), and as such is recommended to not fall into the hands of the civilian population. The debate on whether or not to use the mixtape will likely fall on the shoulders of the Senate, who (if enough student senators decide to actually show up) will be weighing the benefit of a functioning clocktower and the social cost and precedent of allowing the mixtape to be used.

Much like Albert Yankovic Einstein regretted his involvement in the invention of the nuclear bomb, so does Pierre-Paul Angelblazer reportedly regret his creation of “The Energizer,” a mixtape that he apparently had no intention to ever release upon seeing its raw firepower.

Outside the Clearihue building, we asked students for their thoughts on the matter at hand:

“Angelblazer? Is that his real name?” — Skept E. Kalli

“Why is ‘clock tower’ two words? Seems like a waste of space.” — My Gram, Mar

“Clearihue has a clock tower? I’ve never looked higher than an angle of 0 relative to the ground while on UVic campus. No one does. Maybe that’s why everyone’s only hearing about it now. We’ve all been staring at the ground since a few weeks after classes started.” — Itse Xamseason

“I think it’s ridiculous that you can do a BSc in Psychology. Doesn’t anyone respect the fact that while the field of psychology has certainly changed in an unquantifiable manner since the term “Bachelor of Sciences” was first coined in 1860, we should continue to fence off what field is eligible to receive a BSc? Doesn’t anyone respect the sovereign definition made by Granville Leveson-Gower, late Chancellor of London University?” — Angre Engranieer

“Why does it matter what the students think? It’s not like the Senate would ever cave to mass student demonstration. They’ll just go along with their own plans and likely end up making that decision for us. A representative democracy is only such when it represents what the people feel. We’ve seen it fail time and again, but no one is willing to take action out of fear for being the only one to stand up for what they believe in. As a people we need to realize our power, our authority, and our community strength! Long live student governance! Long live mutual aid! Long live the revolution!” — Prince Kropotkin Jr.

“But seriously, Clearihue has a clock tower?” — Itse Xamseason