Roommate confessions

Op-eds Opinions

OPI_Roommate Confessions_Amy Smith_webThis is why we knock

I was changing once, and I didn’t hear my roommate open the door. When I realized that she was there (with her boyfriend), I jumped into the closet and hid. I tried to be really quiet, but they heard me and opened the closet. I still hadn’t put a shirt on. Safe to say it was very awkward.

As Jimmy Fallon would say, “EW!”

I’m plunging a crooked coat hanger down the bathtub right now, like a monkey attacking an anthill. You’ve been living here for a year already; I just moved in two months ago. Why the hell am I the one pulling the drowned spawn of Cousin Itt out of the goddamn drain? I’m used to sweeping up the dried wisps of your vermicelli hair from every corner of the apartment, but this is where I draw the line, Becky!

I get that you like rice, but…

You cook more rice than a 24-hour sushi bar. You’d think that you’d learn to clean a rice cooker properly. I don’t want to see another crusty rice bowl in the sink.


As your only roommate and as a man, I really would prefer to not come in to the kitchen when I wake up hungover and hear you and your four girlfriends talking about all the big dicks you encountered. Who talks about dicks on a Sunday morning? Y’all need Jesus.


It was first year. To the person below me, I’m sorry for the noise. It wasn’t loud sex, or exercise. I was just trying to learn how to dance like the gold-headed box man from the “Party Rock Anthem” music video. I feel even worse ‘cause I never even learnt how to do it properly. I’m sorry.

OPI_Roommate Confessions_Amy Smith1_web

Please get your cat checked out

Your cat meows constantly behind your door at a volume level surprising to both me and zoologists I have totally talked with on the Internet. Please comfort it, give it advice, or get it to the vet.


—Graphics by Amy Smith.

Got any quarrels or qualms from roommates past or present? Maybe you want to get something off your chest. Send them to We can print 500-word stories or quick anecdotes under 150 words. Names are changed and author’s identities are kept private.