Run, Jamie, run

Humour Stories | Satire

HUMOUR — Thanks to the success of UVic President Jamie Cassels’ inaugural run on Sept. 6, and his United Way walk on Nov. 20, the new president has now begun to plan several different activities. These events include the Santa Saunter, the Reading Break Limp, and the Groundhog’s Day Scamper.

Cassels hopes to promote healthy living on campus, while also demonstrating to the public how many methods of walking there are. “There’s waddling, strutting, strolling . . . the possibilities for these events are really endless,” explains the excitable president. “I even plan to incorporate a Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks somehow.” Cassels is, in fact, a big health nut himself, who can be seen constantly moving around as he is signing papers, eating his lunch, or even while he sleeps. “I once fell asleep in my home in Victoria, only to have woken up in Vancouver. I must have sleep-walked across water!” states the president.

“At first I thought he had to pace in order to concentrate,” affirms Cassels’ head secretary, Charles Felix Steppinhower. “But he has now broken free from his office and is lapping around the Ring while he does work,” states Steppinhower. “On a windy day, papers fly everywhere. The momentum of his legs keeps everything in a tiny hurricane around him. The robust breeze seems to make a great invisible clipboard to sign documents on.”

A secretary of the President’s Office, Alex Goldblum, states, “Frankly, his legs are always moving so fast that I swear he just has a blur of colour where his feet should be. When he finally does sit down at his desk, I realize how shapely his calves are.”

Not all students are excited for Cassels’ new organized walking events. First-year English major Tucker Denarde feels like the walks are not supporting the lazy students on campus. “I wake up at noon, walk from res to class and back again. I don’t need to walk any further than that unless drinking is involved. I feel like Cassels is really discriminating against us lazy students, which, when you think about it, inactive people probably make up 95 per cent of the student population.”

In order to encourage these near-comatose students to join in the activities, the university is offering free hot chocolate, cake, and other desserts at the end of the run. As third-year Psychology major Alissa Keene points out, “There is nothing like finishing a six-kilometre run, then eating a piece of cake! It really makes you realize that all that effort of exercise was used to gorge yourself in the end.”

The next walking event, the Santa Saunter, will take place in December. Students, faculty, and staff are encouraged to dress up like St. Nick and leisurely saunter around Ring Road. UVic will release a number of reindeer on the run to add to the festivities. “Students are encouraged to travel for as long as possible. In fact, there is no charity we are donating to this time,” declares the president. “I simply wanted to stroll during the holiday break, and the Santa Saunter inspires students to spend Dec. 20 through Jan. 3 walking with me. I’m just hoping the whole reindeer thing won’t backfire. If we can’t catch them, then perhaps we will have another problem like the bunnies. But then we could have a walk devoted to the reindeer. I’m thinking either Reindeer Ramble or the Deer Steer.”

*Editor’s Note: Since the writing of this article, the Deer Steer has been scheduled to take place on Wednesday, Jan. 8. Students are encouraged to wear reindeer costumes and walk on four legs.