There are a lot of bad ideas in the world. Like putting a fork in a toaster, or eating a whole pint of ice cream, or starting a meth lab out of your Winnebago. Every second of the day, there is a perfectly intelligent person making an idiotic decision. People do crack, people ride bikes without helmets and sometimes, if they’re really, really stupid, people have sex with their friends.
Now there’s a bad decision that you are rarely warned about. Until now. You get warned about going skydiving, you get cautioned against getting a tattoo from someone in the back of a van, and even your grandmother will tell you to wear a condom every time. But no one ever tells you that you’re not supposed to make the beast with two backs with one of your buddies.
It’s pretty screwed up, because, in theory, it should be a good idea right? Jim and Pam, Ross and Rachel, Batman and Robin—the best sexual partners are friends first. And I know that people are all excited about this idea of “friend-zoning,” but for the record, I’m not a big believer in it. Contrary to popular belief, friend-zoning can be reversed (fuck-zoning?), and when it is, it is messed up.
Let me tell you that there is nothing worse than going to someone you trust for some good old bonding time and realizing that you’d rather be engaging in some good old bondage. I guess it’s how our stupid 20-something brains work that, all of a sudden, you want to jump someone that’s usually just your beer pong partner.
There has to be some distinction between the people you have sex with and the people that you talk to about the people you have sex with. You need someone in your life that you can go to if there is a weird smell or a funny noise, and that person shouldn’t be the person you are bumpin’ uglies with. You need a getaway driver who will be there to hold your hand during the scary movie or stand by your side when you draw a hard line on an absurd issue. Someone who really likes your underpants, but would much prefer that you kept them on.
It’s easy to skip from being best friends to sex friends, but that bell is a little harder to un-bang. Sure, a little tequila might make you wonder if being snuggle buddies is a good idea, but tequila is a filthy liar. Once you’ve seen someone’s O-face, you can never again call him or her to giggle about how ridiculous it is. And what is your backup plan if they’re bad in bed? Or worse—if they find out that you are? Because you’d better be prepared to deliver your A-game during coitus. I’m talking Sex-du-Soleil full of props and everything, including fire.
They’ve heard every story of every stupid sexual encounter you’ve ever had, and what if they find out that nope, you pretty much deserved it. Worst of all, you probably have friends in common. Who do you think they are going to turn to when they want to discuss your obsession with purring and nipple licking? Nope, if you go through with this, there can be no starfishing or oh-I’m-just-really-tired-and-seriously-this-never-happens-to-me. If you’ve seen his meat sword or her bearded clam and you weren’t totally into it, without first laying down ground rules, you’re not friends anymore. It is that simple. So be damn sure about what (or whom) you want and prepared to deliver an awesome performance; or stick with beer pong. At least when you do that, you know where to put your balls and what is supposed to get wet, at what time.