Stop! I hear a cacophony!

Op-eds Opinions
Zoë Collier (graphic)
Zoë Collier (graphic)


To the “runner” on the second floor of Fraser Tolmie Apartments:

You live in one of the most beautiful and temperate cities in Canada. On top of that, you are a stone’s throw from many beautiful running paths. Why would you need a treadmill? If that is not enough, YOU LIVE ON THE SECOND FLOOR. The machine is loud enough without your fat feet pounding away at it. 

A cackle cacophony is not a symphony:

Everyone enjoys a good laugh now and again, but yours is a downright cackle, like Mozart’s laugh in Amadeus. I don’t know what you’re doing in there, but you’re probably not composing a symphony.

I’m sure Samberg would approve:

I get that my girlfriend and I were a bit loud this morning. I’m sorry. But is playing Lonely Island’s “I Just Had Sex” a mature way to tell us? No, it’s not, but that’s why I love you guys. You guys just keep doing you. Admittedly, she was a little miffed, so let’s not make this a habit.