When I took this job nearly five months ago, I was entrusted with a great deal of responsibility — a responsibility to inform students of what was going on around their campus, to provide a public service, and to use my newfound editorial powers for good, not evil.
It also provided me access to all of our website’s back end, and with that, every single thing our readers type into our trusty Google custom search bar.
For the most part, these searches are innocuous enough. “the martlet” is a common one (though I can’t guess why you’d be searching that when you’re already on our website, but I digress), and some are obvious attempts at searching for one of our articles — which is what the damned thing is for.
But if I’ve learned anything these five months, it’s that some people either a) don’t understand that our search bar isn’t a Google-wide enterprise, or b) are dead set on trolling me with their filth. I want to believe it’s the former, but my heart tells me it’s probably a bit of the latter.
So without further ado, here’s some of the weirdest #StuffOurReadersSearch.
“martlet definition” and “martlet what is it” were two queries logged into our search bar on June 10 (the elusive double-T’d “the martlett” also appeared on June 15), and were what ultimately launched this fun little game. These are innocent enough, but when you consider that we have an “About” tab in the top right corner of our homepage, you have to wonder just what this intrepid knowledge seeker was doing. FYI, a martlet is a bird. And a newspaper. This newspaper, in fact.
Having a ball
June 15 saw one of my personal favourites grace our search log: “sexiest moment of the sports.” Not just sports — the sports. It reads like something a horny bro would slam into his keyboard, his meaty sausage fingers flying across the keys as he searches for a GIF of Michelle Jenneke at three in the morning, ignorant of syntax and grammar. A true treasure.
One of our most consistent top posts is an article titled “How to seduce an introvert,” published on Feb. 6, 2014 and written by Mia Steinberg. Its popularity is reflected in our search log, with queries like “introvert guy seduce girl” (paraphrasing), “introvert seduction” (also paraphrasing), and “how to make an introvert guy kiss a girl” (100 per cent real) popping up every other day. The latter concerns me with its implied trickery, and makes me wonder if we’re due for a follow-up article.
Sex position x, y, and z
There was a sudden surge in searches like this just a couple weeks ago, but the first was on June 11, with the curious “wheel barrow sex style” making its debut. Sept. 10 was a cornucopia of copulatory considerations, with “best masturbation positions,” “calorie burning position,” “positions of sexes,” and “italian chandelier sex” all logged on the same day. Jesus Christ. Like I said on Twitter, UVic students are horny as fuck, but at least they’re looking to watch their weight.
Possibly the strongest evidence that people don’t understand how our search bar works is the wonderfully blunt “people exposed in nudity public pics,” logged on July 9. Buddy, wherever you are, you know voyeurism is a category on PornHub, right?
This is a strong contender for the weirdest #StuffOurReadersSearch: “alone boy in dark pictures.” No matter how many times I read it, I am baffled. It’s vague and a little bit eerie. It brings to mind the final shot of The Blair Witch Project, and much like the subject of that film, I’m not sure this mystery will ever be solved. I’m not even sure I want it to be.
“My tastes are very singular”
It’s been an amusing, strange, and even sexual journey to this point, but nothing, and I mean nothing, tops the final entry in #StuffOurReadersSearch for sheer wow factor. Ladies and gentlemen, our winner: “i want to fuck a grandma victoria bc.”
What does one even do with this information? Why are people even searching this on our website?! Haven’t they heard of Craigslist?! Even more curious is the search immediately following it, “dallas beach victoria.” While the more idealistic of us may believe these are two separate searches from two separate people, I think we all know in our hearts what this means: somebody’s looking for sex on the beach. With a senior. Through the Martlet. Godspeed, you filthy pervert.
Myles doesn’t actually care what you’re into as long as you stop searching for it on our website. For more hot #StuffOurReadersSearch, follow us on Twitter @The Martlet.