Tensions high as Ring Road standoff enters 45th hour

Humour Stories | Satire

Graphic by Abi Paeth, Graphics Contributor
Graphic by Abi Paeth, Graphics Contributor

Onlookers are beginning to worry as a standoff between a student trying to cross Ring Road and a car enters its 45th hour.

Various members of the gathered crowd confirmed that the two got stuck at around 8:30 a.m. on May the 9th, and that the past two days had been filled with passive aggressive waving, weird stuttery back and forth movements, and nervous smiles.

“We are hopeful that the situation will resolve itself quickly and safely,” said Thomas Bett, a Campus Security (CSEC) officer and Chief Ring Road Liaison, “but this is easily the worst standoff I’ve seen in my time here. There’s so much reluctance to take any initiative that it’s hard to stomach.”

The pedestrian is believed to be Emma Fenkel, a first-year psychology student. The driver’s identity is unknown, but considering his 2010 Ford Mustang with Alberta license plates, most believe him to be a business student at the university.

“We thought the whole thing was over in hour 26 when Emma decided she was just going to go for it and the car would have to wait,” said Michael McLaren, a third-year chemistry major and friend of Fenkel. “But the driver obviously made the same decision at the same time and they both freaked each other out.”

Neither party had made a similar attempt since then, McLaren confirmed.

Campus Security admitted they were struggling to find a way to help Fenkel and the driver after their initial attempt to defuse the standoff by aggressively searching the bags of onlookers failed.

When asked if UVic would consider an alternative to Ring Road that wouldn’t clog up after a centimetre of snow or lead to hour-long standoffs, Bett denied knowing what Ring Road was.

Emotional responses varied, with most onlookers expressing feelings of empathy and sadness. Some graduating students, however, seemed to believe Fenkel shouldn’t have been avoiding the car in the first place.

“I’ve been dying to get hit on Ring Road since I started here,” said Griffin Procter, a seventh-year engineering student. “These student debts won’t pay themselves.”