The harrowing shock of McKinnon gym

Humour Stories | Satire

HUMOUR—At approximately 5 p.m. Feb. 1, horror struck second-year psychology major Alex Ferguson.

“I was feeling restless and wanted to work out that night. I have always gone to Ian Stewart, but that night, I still had a late-night class. Since I had to stay on campus, I ventured to McKinnon gym.”

Venture Ferguson did, not knowing the horrific scene that would await her.

“Other than the faux-pas orange and red piping, everything seemed normal,” said Ferguson. “I went downstairs and got on an exercise bike, and then it struck me!” A wafting, pungent smell, a mixture of Old Spice and sweaty balls, filled the air and assailed Ferguson’s nose. Over time, the 19-year-old woman developed a resistance to the smell, as long as she situated her nose under her own armpits. “My lavender deodorant only half blocked out the smell,” states Ferguson. “Kind of like when an air freshener can only mask so much from a bathroom.”

But soon, Ferguson was confronted with another obstacle. “All of a sudden, I heard this loud grunt and thought, ‘Holy shit! Someone’s in trouble.’” Ferguson ran over to the man who she concluded was the source of the sound, but instead of being on the floor, reeling with pain, the man was lifting weights. “I watched for a little, just to make sure he was okay.” Ferguson said. “Every time he lifted the bar, he made this sound, a little like he was having an orgasm, yet it also had a twang of agony in it. His face looked like he was having a massive bowel movement.”

Feeling uncomfortable, Ferguson went back on the exercise bike and looked the other way, only to find a new biking companion sitting next to her. “This guy was just sitting on the equipment, looking intently at his iPod, without even moving.” Instead, the man was working out the handiest part of his body, the thumbs, by performing small circular motions in shuffling through his iPod, figuring out what music to choose to pump him up. “After 15 minutes, the man was starting to sweat profusely from this exercise,” Ferguson stated. “After finally settling on listening to ‘Eye of the Tiger,’ the guy walked out of the room.”

Turning to leave herself, Ferguson was stopped by some men doing deadlifts directly in front of her. “If one guy did 10 repetitions, the other would call him a ‘jerk’ and do 15,” expresses Ferguson. After realizing that she was being hit on, Ferguson shouted loudly, “You guys are barking up the wrong tree! I’m going back to Ian Stewart to see more ladies’ asses.” However, Ferguson could not be heard over the writhing-in-pain cries of the men doing improper deadlifts.

When asked about what she learned from the uncomfortable experience, Ferguson declared, “Between avoiding awkward flirting and smells, I actually felt like I had the best work out of my life. I have even started a new routine based on the experience, which includes the ‘Creepier Look-Around’ stretch and the ‘Deny and Run’ lunge.”