The history is a lie

Humour Stories | Satire

Big, dirty words like “lie” and “liberal” get thrown around all the time now. It’s a politically charged time, given the economic collapse of Europe and the shocking theft of Canada’s maple-syrup reserves. And the way that we remember all of this, the way we remember everything, is for the most part left to historians. You’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger threat to the Canadian legacy.

The first association most people make with the word “historian” is ivory-towered, snooty-nosed academics with highbrow morals and low-budget tweed jackets. Historians are not only boring; they’re pretentious, too! Plus, the rumour in the Math department is that they struggle with simple addition. 

And yet, it’s these pin-headed, pen-handed ninnies we trust to record for us all the happenings of the greatest nation under God? Can you think of a worse idea for Canada than this? Think about it. Do you really want your grandchildren and great-grandchildren to learn about Canadian history as it’s written by people who are not now (and never will be) real Canadians? They’re not the down-to-earth, salt-of-the-earth, earth-earthers that we are. Earth. 

And I know what you’re saying, and yes, history is the most boring subject on the planet. No, I don’t want to have to be the one to write it, either. But either we step up to the plate or the liberals will lick it clean before we get the chance. We can’t let that happen. So here’s what we have to do.

First, we have to remember one essential, postmodernist fact: there’s no such thing as truth. This little trick was devised by hippies, but it turns out it benefits honest, God-fearing Canadians too! 

OK, now that we’ve got that in mind, we can move on to step two: create truth. It can be anything, as long as it benefits the nation and sounds remotely plausible. Let’s pay homage to one of America’s great leaders and use as an example the idea that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. It’s as true as anything those pandering windbag professors can come up with! So we write it down in our new Official People’s History of Patriotic God-Fearing Canadians textbook, and bam!

The third step? Disseminate! All we have to do is spread the good word. Remember, memories are collective. Our created truths will become collective memory in record time if we put our superior, conservative brains to the job. And once we do, we can trounce those mouth-breathing, troglodyte PhD-types and take back Canada once and for all.

It’s the three-step dance of Patriotic History. And it’s really only got two steps once you get the first one down. Create and disseminate! Anything else is a lie.