10 ways to ace your final papers

A-List Humour

1. Put everything off until the very last minute
All amazing work is done under intense pressure, loud screaming, and too much coffee.

2. Write drunk, edit sober
Although this quote may not actually have been said by Hemingway, it was probably said by some other famous writer. Don’t you want to be a celebrity that is remembered for your early, tragic death?

3. Think outside the box
Your professor will appreciate your level of creativity when you deliver your paper-maché bowl made with your final essay on the use of bowls in the 14th century.

4. Dip your papers in chocolate before handing them in
Because who doesn’t love things covered in a delicious, sugary coating?

5. List your sources
All professors know that all human knowledge comes from Wikipedia and Google, be sure to put them in your bibliography.

6. Clearly present your thesis statement
Underlining your thesis and making it a different font, such as Wingdings, will really catch the professor’s eye.

7. Use big words
Get the thesaurus out and use the biggest words you can for no reason, or in replacement of other, regular language. Don’t worry about having to know what they mean; it will assuredly galvanize your audience. Eleemosynary contretemps!

 8. Be sure to properly present your work in Microsoft Word
Double-spaced, 12-point papers impress professors. Imagine how ecstatic they will be when they see your triple-spaced paper complete with 24-point font that is both bold and italic.

9. Teach your paper the art of karate
When it’s sitting in your professor’s large inbox, your paper will have time to fight the other papers that are in there. Using its superior karate skills, it will defeat the other papers and gain their power. As your paper is the only one left, your professor will give you an A by default.

10. Disregard spell check
You’re not going to let a robot tell you how to do your work are you?