The Student Bawdy: Best of Victoria’s meat markets

Sports | Lifestyle

UVic has no shortage of good-looking people. If you take the time to creepily check out those around you, there’s a guaranteed abundance of hotties walking to and fro.  But let’s face facts here, people — nobody really wants to wheel on campus. Most people just want to get their work done and be left alone, leaving the makin’ merry to after-hour locales.

So you ask yourself: where do all these good-looking, well-educated academics go to let off steam? Where can I get a beer and shamelessly hit on some Sociology majors? Where is it okay to ask a Biology undergrad for a lesson in anatomy? What if I want to hump somebody with a job?

That’s where I come in with a comprehensive list of where to find ‘em and what kinds you may encounter. Think of it as a field guide to your concrete safari.

1. Big Bad John’s (919 Douglas St.)
My personal favourite of the lot and the best place to find somebody with facial hair. Missing your Alberta hometown? Looking for a beer and some nuts — no frills? Big Bads is the place to be. Located in the Strathcona complex, Big Bads is the best place if you’re looking for somebody with character. By the end of the night, you’ll probably find yourself singing along to a country song and two-steppin’ with some sweet thing. The next morning, you’ll wake up covered in peanut shells and stubble burn.  For a surefire way to grab the attention of the patrons, leave your bra with the bartender. For those who don’t wear bras, hopefully you’ll get to see the spectacle. Whether it’s at the bar or after, everybody’s a winner!

2. Smiths Pub (777 Courtney St.)
One word: hipsters. Sexy, sexy hipsters. Looking for a little extra oomph with your intellectual stimulation? Smiths is the place. A candlelit room that hosts an abundance of the hippest kids in Vic, where you can have your Pabst and drink it too. Your Pabst in this case being awkward hipster sex that will probably inspire you to write some beat poetry. Word to the wise: get a friend to confirm the humpability of your handsome hipster or hipsterette before pulling out the Hemmingway references. It’s really freakin’ dark in there.

3. Club 9One9 (919 Douglas St.)
Sometimes you just want to take a bunch of tequila shots and make some bad decisions. Club 9One9 is the place to do this. Put on your shortest skirt or your popped collar and make your way to the sweaty dance floor. Bump and grind with the best of ‘em and wake up the next morning feeling like you need to call your mother and apologize. If Big Bad John’s proves a little too country for you, Club 9One9 is part of the same Strathcona Hotel complex and much more Top 40-flavoured.

4. Lucky Bar (517 Yates St.)
There’s no image more emblematic of youthful experience than the sea of faces in front of a good band. There are all walks of life at Lucky, and they all usually pertain to whichever band is playing that night. If it’s ‘90s night, Lucky pretty much substitutes for a more nostalgic 9One9 setting. So pay attention to the concert calendar and hunt down those punk-rock babes, indie honeys or devilish DJs at your leisure. You might even attain groupie status — but if you plan to make a habit of it, do it with out-of-town bands. Victoria has a wicked-small music scene (everybody knows everybody).

5. Swans Hotel Brew Pub (506 Pandora Ave.)
Like a fine wine, some people get better with age. Maybe you’re looking for someone with a little more flavour? If so, Swans is the place.  The nightly live music attracts a fruitful 40-plus crowd that can dance like nobody’s business. You’ll have a helluva time getting flung around on the floor and wake up the next morning with a new wealth of experience.

Whatever your preference, Victoria’s got it — you just need to know where to look. Happy hunting!