The Student Bawdy: Finding yourself in a pair of sweatpants

Sports | Lifestyle

A few weeks ago, I wrote an article on the perks of being in a steady relationship. I don’t discount anything I said, but it’s against my better judgment to give one side of a point and pay no mind to the other. ’Cause let’s be serious here, folks: being single is awesome.

Yes, it can get lonely, and yes, sometimes you just want someone to cuddle you and tell you how attractive you are (regardless of whether or not you currently look like shit). Most of all, sometimes you want to be able to act like a crazy person under the guarantee of unconditional love.

But sometimes you just want to be able to fart without shame.

And that, folks, is just one of the many glorious (and often somewhat disgusting) reasons why flying solo is the bomb. Most of those reasons generally pertain to being as selfish as Scrooge McDuck (if Scrooge was a mid-twentysomething who hadn’t showered in three days, reeked of gin and was diving into a pit of similarly drunk, screwable singles instead of gold).

I’m talking impromptu vacation-taking, irresponsible spending, possible drinking problem-type selfishness here, people. Doing whatever you want, whenever you want with no judgment (from anybody you intimately care about, that is).

If you’re selfish enough, you can eventually reach that glorious upper echelon of singleness where you are so comfortable with yourself that you can simultaneously eat a meatball sub (a member of the unattractive food group), be drunk before noon and text a booty call to someone without any thought of disease or other possible consequence. That, my friends, may just be more beautiful than the Mona Lisa, because — let’s face it — you have to really love yourself to be OK with that image.

Nobody learns to love themselves in a relationship. There’s a giant flock of monogamous geese out there that will screech and try to tell you otherwise. But they’re wrong; if you are in a committed arrangement, you are most likely way too concerned with loving somebody else to love yourself. Yes, you do learn valuable lessons from relationships, but you probably only come face to face with them after the relationship is over. And God help you if you’re in a relationship and aren’t cool with yourself. Spoiler alert: it isn’t going to end well.

Only in the hygiene-disregarding, regretfully tattooed and gloriously hungover incarnation of singledom can one really understand who they are and what they want out of life — including their requirements for a fruitful relationship.

See what I did there? Wrapped it around and made it a life lesson. And here you thought The Student Bawdy was all dick jokes.

That being said, there’s also the chance you’ll discover you never want to let go of your orgasmic self-indulgence. You may vow to be single for the rest of your life. Either way, here’s to finding yourself and all the questionable stains that it brings.