The Student Bawdy: Oh no, libido

Sports | Lifestyle

Like any young North American, my perceptions of the world around me have been conditioned by an extensive series of media messages and societal assumptions. Over time, I have realized that in many ways, the media is a big, ugly liar that is trying to make me feel shitty about myself in order to get me to consume. There are certain messages that are so meticulously constructed that many people still believe them to be true.

Perhaps one of the cruelest of these messages is the myth of the male libido. You all know what I’m talking about — the idea that men are persistent sex-seeking machines, intent on mass copulation and in possession of limitless sexual appetites. Half of you are reading this and nodding along, and as much as I’d like to join you, it just isn’t true. Despite some men’s apparent fondness for sex, the notion of a dude who just cannot get enough is probably just that: a notion, not a reality.

After various relationships with a variety of men, I realized that pretty much all of them didn’t want to have sex as much as I did. At first, I just figured it was a problem unique to me, as if I was gifted with some monstrous sexual appetite; that I was The Insatiable Woman and would eventually have to return to my Amazonian homeland because of a seemingly overactive sex drive. But, over time, a handful of women confessed to me that they have had similar experiences in which their partners were not as keen to “get down” as often as they wanted.

This conclusion brought a lot of anger. The type of soul-shrivelling, cuticle-biting, disturbing daydream-bringing anger that only sexual frustration can cause. After being exposed to pop culture like the American Pie series, many women were left feeling as if they had been lied to, myself included.

After intense deliberation on the issue, I have realized that there is a difference between seeking sex and having sex. It has been long confirmed that men think about sex more and seek sex more than women do. This seems pretty logical as it is their biological imperative to impregnate many people as often as possible. Now, don’t get your panties in a bunch: men seek meaningful emotional connections, too, but we’re talking pure biology here.

But what happens when you’re humping just one person? It seems to me that women want to hump that person a lot. Like, a lot a lot. It’s as if the long-standing deliberation as to whether or not that person was in fact humpable has caused a lot of pent-up sexual energy. Men, on the other hand, seem less interested in humping for days on end.

This leads me to believe that if there is a God, we are created solely for hilarity. Let’s look at the facts here: men have refractory periods; women (can) have multiple orgasms. Some men seek sex constantly only to eventually want it once in a while; and some women quiet their sex drives only to eventually unleash it all, like a torrent of intimidating femininity, all on one poor sap. Nature is cruel, and it is laughing at us.

Keep in mind that the torture-inducing attitude of Mother Nature doesn’t stop at heterosexual relationships. There are a plethora of pairings where one person’s libido doesn’t match up with another’s. This just goes to show that there’s no escape. No matter who you’re boning, somebody’s probably going to want it more, or less, than you do.

I have no real solution, but I will give you my time-tested, cure-all recommendation: masturbate more. I know that, for many of you, it’s not an adequate substitute for sex. But it still feels good and it will make you happy. It’s probably also the way to world peace.