The Student Bawdy: Reluctantly learning to love the long D

Sports | Lifestyle

The long and the short of it is that long-distance relationships suck. Not in the “I’m forlorn because my lover has gone away to distant lands” kind of way, but in the “I miss the person that I really dig and I’m super horny” kind of way.

Not exactly the stuff you write romantic poetry about, but hey, that’s life. The shitty fact is, sometimes (or, in my case, fairly often), when you’re an adult and you dig someone, they have to go somewhere that you’re not. Careers, school, family, personal enlightenment — whatever the reason, sometimes two people have to try to make it work from different area codes. More than four million U.S. college couples are in long-distance relationships, and you can bet a lot of Canadian university students have gone the long-distance route, too.

But what does long distance mean for your genitals?

Nothing good. Here’s the thing about long distance: I’m pretty sure you can make it work. That is, it can work emotion-wise. Your junk is screwed, though, and not in the fun way. Unless you’re one of those superheroes of polyamory or in an open relationship, the only pleasure that’s going to get anywhere near your privates will be coming from your own hand (and/or whatever battery-operated devices you may possess).

The only comfort I have to give you is that the longer you go without sex, the easier it gets. After the first three months, that is.

I recommend a large, Eastern European grandmother helping of denial. If you really love the crap out of the person you’re however many miles away from (I don’t want to get sappy here, but you’d better love them — it’s probably not worth it if you don’t), you have to be really good at ignoring the shitty parts of your present situation and look forward to the future. A future that will hopefully involve the two of you mashing your privates together on a bed of money or master’s degrees (whichever you prefer).

I also recommend looking into phone sex, Skype sex or FaceTime sex. We live in an age of limitless technological ways to get your rocks off, most of which are definitely worth exploring.

So, folks, here’s to you and your attempts to find love and shit. Your genitals may be pissed, and you may have moments where you wonder what the hell you’re doing. But hey, it’s an experiment that might just go right.

Or, you could continue to have glorious, unattached sex and be awesome. Whatever floats your boat.