March is the gauntlet. It’s a test to see if you are worthy of the student lifestyle. I’m not talking 99-cent ramen and Criminal Minds marathons; I mean the casual sex and stories to make your future grandkids cringe. Maybe only arts students will agree with me on this (I hear February is rough on you science kids), but the fact is: March is the worst part of the school year because it’s when you can see the end, but are nowhere near it.
One minute it’s reading break, and then bam! You’re staring at yourself in the mirror at 3 a.m., unable to sleep because you can’t remember the name of Cory’s brother in Boy Meets World. You’re not sure why it matters, but you know you’d rather think about that than about the 15-page paper you have to do. There is a zombie staring back at you with dark bags under its eyes and deep forehead wrinkles filled with regret. You seem to have aged 10 years in the last week and have lost any hope that you will ever get laid again. No amount of greasy food will fill your dark cavern of self-loathing.
Then there are the people around you who can’t seem to understand your inability to shower or form coherent sentences. “Just a few more weeks,” they’ll say, evidently attempting to reassure themselves as well as you. Eventually you get to the point where napping can’t even alleviate a constant tirade of self-nagging.
If you’re picking up what I’m putting down, let me introduce to you the only way to stay sane during this month from hell: procrasturbating.
Those of you who know what I’m talking about are probably too relaxed to care. Procrasturbating is the act of masturbating in order to procrastinate, as well as the most efficient way to alleviate stress. Sure, you’re still not getting any work done, but after a couple orgasms, do you really care?
I could cite some proven medical facts and say words like “serotonin” and “release,” but assuming you’re as mentally frayed as I think you are, it won’t make a difference anyway. Just try it. Do whatever it takes to get you in the groove — light some candles, put on some Hall & Oates and partake in the oldest form of self-indulgence. ’Cause sometimes the only way to let your brain rest is to take care of the part that seems to be the furthest away from it.