The UVic Edge

Humour Stories | Satire
Leone Brander (graphic contributor)
Leone Brander (graphic contributor)

Hi there! This is the abstract concept of UVic speaking. How are you? You look so good. We wanted to tell you about UVic Edge, our new marketing strategy.

We were thinking: we enrich the lives of our students, staff, and faculty every day, and we serve society in a way that is uniquely our own, and while we try not to brag about it, we did want to get the word out just this once. That’s because it’s our role to ensure we tell a good story to the world about who we are, what we do, and why we matter. There have been rumours that we don’t matter, and we just wanted to make sure you know that that’s not the case at all. We matter. We matter a lot.

To do this, we had to find out why people choose UVic over other top Canadian and international universities. I mean, we know we’re great and all, but UBC is like right next door and they have all those crazy parties and they’re always hanging out with Shad.

Anyway, not to get all fancy but the culmination of those qualitative and quantitative insights are three ingredients that define who we are today and set a bold path for how we will remain a university of choice in the future. We don’t want to end up like Trinity. They’re always trying to pick up law students and it’s pathetic. I’m sorry, I’m so bad 😉

1. Dynamic learning

This means that you’re going to learn of course, but, like, you’re going to have fun too. We know you’re sick of boring slide shows and ugly TAs. We got you. We put in projectors so we can play movies and sometimes if it’s nice we have class outside. Plus, have you seen Stephen Ross in a tank top? Dang.

2. Vital impact

When you’re with us, you’re cool. Everyone’s going to want to hang out with you. You’ll get invited to all the coolest post-grads; you’ll never have to wait in line for a reference letter, and if you wear army pants and flip flops, everyone will go out and buy army pants and flip flops.

3. Extraordinary academic environment

We have a fountain. There are . . . parking lots. Ohmygod, we have those lie-down chairs in the library. So comfy. I hear we’re even going to have a gym soon.

Also: we keep it tight. We don’t go for trash at all. Our cafeteria doesn’t even have garbage cans. We like the environment so much that we don’t sell bottled water anymore because it’s sooo wasteful. Now we just drink Coke instead.

Anyway, we put those together and we got DVE and we were like what does that mean? So we changed it to UVic Edge. UVic Edge means that we’re on the bleeding edge of things. You know that new band Macklemore? We do and we love it. Left Shark from Katy Perry’s halftime show? We’re huge fans. We even know what colour that dress was. If you come hang out with us, we might even tell you.