There’s fashionably late—and then there’s American Thanksgiving

Humour Stories | Satire
Illustration by Christy Shao, Graphics Editor
Illustration by Christy Shao, Graphics Editor

American Thanksgiving makes no sense.

Now, before any Americans get all up in their right to bear arms and try to shoot me through the head with their grandmother’s shotgun, hear me out — we silly Canadians sometimes have something logical to say.

Since the beginning of the semester, my American res mates and I have been having the exact same argument over and over again: when Thanksgiving should really be. With the passing of Canada’s a month ago, and the approach of theirs in just a week, I thought it would be timely to broach this ridiculous but somehow compelling topic of discussion.

First and foremost, American Thanksgiving is on a Thursday. I mean, what the heck?! Why? Why would you do that? It’s absolutely ludicrous. Just put it on Friday and be done with it! You’re going to take Friday off anyway — why not at least try to get something done on Thursday? You’re not just cheating your bosses, Americans, you’re cheating yourselves. What about all that American work ethic and integrity you’re always boasting about?

Canadian Thanksgiving is on a Monday: a nice, normal day to have a statutory holiday. Everyone knows that you’re not coming to work on Monday, but they sure as hell expect you to show up on Thursday and Friday. Canadians are upfront and conscientious about their desire to not go to work, unlike you conniving Americans.

Secondly, the month. October? A time of year when things are actually still growing. November? A time when the earth is a frozen wasteland and you’re lucky if you have a single squash in your garden. Thanksgiving is supposed to be a celebration of the harvest, and we Canadians actually do that. How many of the vegetables in your Thanksgiving dinner actually grow where you live, Americans? Hm? Right, that’s what I thought.

Then there’s the contentious question of the sandwiching of holidays. Americans argue that their Thanksgiving is better because it signals the beginning of “the holiday season,” and enters the time of year when it is completely appropriate to bellow Christmas carols. However, in my opinion, this point is moot due to the number of people in my dorm who walked into the lounge on Nov. 1 wearing Christmas sweaters. In our consumer culture, the holiday season seems to be starting sooner and sooner every year. People start gearing up for Christmas long before American Thanksgiving is even really on the horizon, so what’s the point of leaving it there in November?

And finally, the amount of turkey that a human being can consume in the space of a month should be limited to one bird, in my opinion. By having our Thanksgiving in October, we leave a nice cushion of time in between our Thanksgiving and our Christmas indulgences. I’m not saying that Americans have obesity problems because of their stupid holiday configuration, BUT . . .

I know I’ve probably upset some particularly patriotic readers — my lovely American res mates read my articles, so they’re likely steaming right now. But just know that Thanksgiving is generally an exercise in indulgence and overabundance, so in the end, maybe the time of year when we stuff our faces with carbs and pumpkin pie really doesn’t matter. Just go easy on the gorging, and pass the mashed potatoes.