This week’s horoscopes

Humour Stories | Satire

Aries March 21–April 20
B.C. liquor laws just changed, making your access to alcohol easier. I thought that information would be less likely to make you drink than your horoscope. You’re welcome.

Taurus April 21–May 21
People will try your temper this week, Taurus. I mean, experimental psychology is totally a way to investigate whether rational emotive therapy is an effective treatment for depression; you should have at least got half marks!

Gemini May 22–June 22
You are pretty much twice as good as any human the rest of year, but lately the moon gets a little freaky with Scorpio and Neptune. You know what that means. Oh, you don’t? I had to look it up too. You might dream about arthropod fondue in a sea of Velveeta—which is awesome, right?!

Cancer June 22–July 23
If your affinity for water and emotion leads to tears, daub on some mascara and turn yourself into an art installation outside the Phoenix. Your avant-garde juxtaposition is sure to evoke impressionistic mellifluousness.

Leo July 24–Aug. 23
You may be used to biting your tongue, holding your breath, scared to rock the boat and make a mess. With the trigon of fire in play this month though, suck it up and listen to some Katy Perry.

Virgo Aug. 24–Sept. 23
Look, Virgo, I know you’re still tore up over the tragic closure of your favourite department store chain, but Zeddy is with that major ursa in the sky now.

Libra Sept. 24–Oct. 23
In the campus of star signs, you’re the Fraser Building. You’re particularly good at weighing pros and cons. When friends seek you out for advice, you’re usually the one to tip the scales. So what do you need lousy astrology for?

Scorpio Oct. 24–Nov. 23
Watch out for cheese. And Gemini.

Sagittarius Nov. 23–Dec. 22
Mars’s trajectory through your celestial sphere predicts a destiny that may include pondering whatever really befell Dolores Umbridge in the Forbidden Forest when she was carried away by centaurs.

Capricorn Dec. 23–Jan. 20 
You’re horny.

Aquarius Jan. 21–Feb. 19
You are so yesterday’s Zodiac. Hang on to that glow from your birthday having been within the last 30ish days, because astrology is totally over you for the next 11 months. One might say you’re all wet.

Pisces Feb. 20–March 20
Time for those scales to shine! The ball is in your court—or the bubble in your bowl, as it were. Seriously, right now is the time of year that your sign falls under, so that probably means something.