White lies

Humour Stories | Satire Uncategorized

I’m tired of being disenfranchised.

As a white cis male, I am deeply disturbed by advances in the field of equality. Whereas once our voices would be the only ones heard at rallies and meetings, now it seems as though we are having our capacity to comment torn from us.

I can’t think why.

I consider it my right to comment incessantly on other cultures’ traditions. My people have been sticking their noses into the affairs of others and subjugating local populations for centuries now; I will not be divorced from these cultural roots.

It frustrates me that here on campus, my opinions, which I’ve been careful to confirm with other peers in closed Facebook groups, are not respected as fully as I expect. People seem almost keen to argue with me, and if I continue to assert my opinions, a mob forms. I’m only able to escape such situations by yelling, “Birkenstocks are better than Blundstones,” and slipping away during the ensuing chaos.

It’s not as if I’m in favour of inequality. Far from it: I believe everyone should be equally able to carry on the great traditions passed down to them from their forefathers. For me, this means being able to show up anywhere, anytime, and be the centre of attention. There are often situations when I try this and I find I’m greeted by saucer-eyed observers, confused as to what it is I’m doing there. In such instances, I honour the well-established tradition of repeating everything I say multiple times, slowly, and hope that the people I’ve addressed have understood the potentially life-changing advice I’ve bestowed upon them. They don’t seem to realize that based off historical precedent, they ought to be welcoming me into their circle and only later should they determine that my presence is parasitic. Instead, they break from historical roles and turn me out immediately. This lack of respect for tradition is truly appalling.

Charitable gifts are what my civilization was built on. We provide infrastructure and laws for any person in our immediate vicinity, whether they wanted them or not. But I’ve sadly accepted that I am no longer in a place to be able to unilaterally create laws for the people around me, but I do my best to subtly provide advice for them whenever possible, which I’m sure they’re subconsciously appreciative of.

It’s hard being a white guy on campus. Often I feel as if I’m being ignored or actively discriminated against; my capacity to complain has certainly been unfairly challenged. But despite the sheer scale of people united against me, I remain secure in my convictions, well established as they are in history.

Before you get mad us, please know that this is a humour piece.