Why Canadians should vote for the sexiest candidate every time

Humour Stories | Satire

The face that launched 1 000 ballots

Graphic by Darian Lee

The best way to ensure that Canadians are getting the representation we deserve in the House of Commons is to make sure we vote for the sexiest candidate every time. If we have learned nothing else in the time Justin Trudeau has been in office, it is that candidates with great hair and a winning smile are always the most honest and objectively the best leaders.

What makes a good-looking Prime Minister or Member of Parliament the best choice to make decisions for our country? It’s simple: they are not bogged down by the stress of not being sexy enough. 

When an MP walks into the House of Commons to vote on a bill, Canadians don’t want them to be more worried about their self-esteem than our rights and freedoms. MPs need to be confident and focused on their work. They should be objective, fair, and ready to represent the needs of the people. I can think of no better way to make sure they’re doing their jobs without distraction than to make sure every Member is as good-looking as possible.

Additionally, global figures like Justin Trudeau are in the perfect position to improve our international image. The better looking Canada is in the eyes of the international public, the better people will feel about Canada overall. While studies suggest that average-looking people seem the most trustworthy to others — meaning, there is definitely a place in politics for average Janes and Joes — if we want Canada to be a player on the global stage, we need looks like Trudeau’s to compete.

Since Trudeau came into office, his face has put Canada on the map. Before him, when people from other countries were asked what they knew about Canada, all they said was “Isn’t that where Justin Bieber is from?” and “I think it’s really cold there.” Now, when people think of Canada, they think of one of Vogue’s 2015 Sexiest Men Alive, Justin Trudeau. His honest smile and full, chestnut locks remind people that Canada matters. That we’re more than just maple syrup and the occasional pop star or A-List celebrity. We also have a sexy Prime Minister, and that means something.

No matter which way we look at it, every party has some blind spot that makes it more difficult to decide which evil is the lesser. So, let’s make it easy on ourselves. Imagine a world where campaign billboards featured large photos of candidates looking absolutely incredible, and all we had to do was decide which one looked best and that one would get our undying devotion and support. Instead of campaign rallies, we could have fashion shows. Instead of campaign offices, supporters could host fan clubs. 

The possibilities are limitless. The choice is clear. Let’s make Canadian politics fun again. A vote for the sexiest candidate is a vote for focused, easy-to-follow leaders who can help the world see Canadians as we really are: sexy and here to party.