10 new year’s resolutions and how to easily achieve them

1. Clean out the fridge

Buy new fridge on boxing day. Put the old fridge outside next to garbage with a “Free” sign on it. Not only are you being kind by giving away a free appliance, some lucky person will get all the three-month-old lasagna your mom made you!

2. Go to the Gym

Make a Second Life account and get your avatar to go to the gym three times a week. Don’t let up; really push your avatar hard. The best kind of love is tough love.

3. Spend less money going out to restaurants

Order takeout instead. Let the food come to you!

4. Spend more time outside and explore nature

This has never been easier; Planet Earth is only 50 bucks on Amazon.

5. Shower more often

Check off both 4 and 5 by going outside while it’s raining.

6. Eat less sugary food

Potato chips, pork rinds, and bacon are all good substitutes when your sugar cravings come around.

7. Be more outgoing

Post Craigslist ads in the casual section—friends don’t like being pressured. Accept and attend every arranged meet up, especially at night.

8. Be more organized

Throw away all of your belongings. With nothing around, you’ll have nothing to misplace.

9. Stop being late for class

Skip all your classes. If you don’t go, you’ll never be late. Who needs that kind of pressure anyways?

10. Get better grades

Get a head start: seek out the best academic-paper websites now.

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