10 ways to know you’re dating a sociopath or possibly a married man*

  1. Fifty per cent of your relationship is talking on the phone, 49 per cent is texting, and one per cent is spent physically together.
  2. He knows where you live and has probably been there, but you have no clue where he lives. He just kind of points to ‘over there’ when you ask.
  3. You both go to a Royals hockey game together, and just before you guys leave to go back to your place, he goes to the bathroom and never comes back. The next day he calls and says your jealous ex had him kicked out. When you attempt to remind him your ex is backpacking in Ecuador, he suggests you move past it and never talk about the incident again.
  4. He disappears for a few days and says he was out of cell reception. Can you believe that is even possible nowadays?!
  5. When you meet for coffee, he either shows up five minutes before you, or five minutes after you. When you ask him where he has just come from, his stories always start with “A funny thing just happened,” and typically end with “Yeah I couldn’t believe it either!”
  6. You meet him with his kids at McDonald’s to visit, but you can’t talk or make eye contact until they go into the McPlayPlace. Only then do you get to talk to him while sitting at different tables. He points out how much fun it is to pretend you don’t know each other when people are around. It’s like you’re secret agents!
  7. He always talks about his awesome car, that you never see. (Probably because his wife has it with her.)
  8. He never answers the phone when you call, and always calls back within five minutes. His go-to excuse is that he was in the washroom, but at this rate he either has a really small bladder or eats way too many burritos.
  9. After going MIA when he was supposed to spend the night, he finally calls claiming he got hit by a car on his bike and was in the hospital with minor bruises. After offering to meet him for coffee, he quickly advises you not to be surprised when you can’t see the bruises. He explains that he suffers from a weird genetic disorder that causes the bruising colour to blend in to his regular skin tone. (That sounds reasonable, right?)
  10. He has to leave town to go to a friend’s funeral in Courtenay for a week in February and comes back with a tan. You also seem to recall that same friend having died the previous February as well.

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