Battle royale with cheese

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Burgers are romantic partners. There are some that you stick with, reliable and devoted. There are others, dalliances in taste to keep you fresh. Others still, cheap midnight indulgences that you’d rather not remember. Perfect burgers exist only as much as perfect romances—torrid affairs, flights of fancy, or committed lifelong relationships. Finding the right burger in Victoria is akin to getting a date—there seems to be a lot to choose from, but when you get down to it there’s a handful of options and it’s hard to tell which is the right one. I can’t help your love life, but I can guide you in the tao of downtown burgers.

“The Hot Mess”
La Bomba from Pink Bicycle
A delicious spicy burger whose thick bun makes it fall apart under pressure. While the patty is substantial and well-prepared, it’s a burger too expensive and high maintenance for this customer.

“The Collegiate”
Burger at the UVic Grad Lounge
Given the choice between Felicita’s and the Grad Lounge, go with the latter. They are identical but the Grad Lounge burger doesn’t take 20 minutes getting ready.

“The Guilty Secret”
The Whopper from Burger King
A fatty, flavourful patty with traditional dressings is perfect for midnight devouring. It’s fresh, filling, and affordable. Just don’t tell your parents.

“The All Hat and No Cattle”
The Veggie Nut Burger from Ferris’ Oyster Bar
A milled seed veggie patty with traditional organic fixings is tasty with a pleasant crunch. Nothing like a beef burger, but still quite pleasant. Some people don’t like meat inside them.

“Great Personality”
Double Cheeseburger from Big Wheel Burger
Everything made in-house, with locally grown fixings and a fat content that makes you think it’s from Mississippi. It’s no looker, its soft patty dripping with juice, but its taste will have you booking nuptials — especially if it brings its perfectly prepared fries.

“The Snappy Dresser Letdown”
The Heritage from Bin 4 Burger Lounge
This overdressed, overcooked number makes a big promise with its price tag. Slick packaging and seductive service can’t save a mediocre stack. If you like your meat tough and over-crusted—here you go.

“The Too Saucy by Half”
The Legendary from White Spot
Want some mediocre beef patty with your mayo-ketchup-mustard sludge called “Triple-O” sauce? This is your puck in bread.

“The Unexpected Pleasure”
Burger from Avalon
A well-prepared and simply tasty stack comes from a place known for its brunches. Hipsters take note.

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