Posts Categorized: Humour

Clam calamity

The Martlet reaches out to marine life in Victoria poisoned by SSRIs and other medications We have all heard the saying “happy as a clam,” but we could never really measure how happy mollusks were until high doses of antidepressants began showing up in their nervous system. According to the CRD, these clams have been… Read more »

Now I am become bees, destroyer of clock

Tick-tock, Jamie Cassels. Tick. Tock. Clearihue Clock was first installed in 1963, when the building was unveiled to the public. Nowadays, students might not notice the clock because they have one on their phone, laptop, or tablet, but the clock tower has stopped working. We contacted the university for their official answer. Ron Proulx, Executive… Read more »

The BC Ferries survival handbook

How to make the most of your hour-and-a-half boat ride It’s that time of year again — students are soon to find themselves soliciting services from an organization that every Vancouver Island uncle refers to as “a damn state monopoly.” No one likes the trips made to and from the mainland, and people who didn’t grow up on… Read more »

5 ways to make your man think you’re a goddess in bed

(According to the patriarchy) 1. Always be excited and ready to have sex whenever your man wants it . . . But don’t have a sex drive of your own The first step to pleasing your man is to always meet his needs. Studies show that men are simply hornier than women, so sometimes you’re going to have to… Read more »

The Martlet’s 2018 News Headlines

There are few outside of the inner Martlet circles that are aware of this, but the Martlet has every article pre-written by a discount psychic. They then publish them over the course of the year when the corresponding topic becomes relevant. While everyone already knows that the Martlet doesn’t have any journalistic integrity, the use… Read more »

White lies

I’m tired of being disenfranchised. As a white cis male, I am deeply disturbed by advances in the field of equality. Whereas once our voices would be the only ones heard at rallies and meetings, now it seems as though we are having our capacity to comment torn from us. I can’t think why. I… Read more »