Valentine’s Day. For many, this is a time to rejoice and let that special someone know that you love them. For many more of us, V-Day is a time to cry during the fourth TV showing of A Walk to Remember and get fat off cheap chocolate. But fear not, oh lonely Valentiner: for every broken heart there is a corresponding act of self-worth to forget this awful holiday. For instance, you can:
1. Have a Lord of the Rings marathon
Target audience: People who are used to being alone on Valentine’s Day
Let’s face it: you’ve seen this coming all year and probably most of last year, too. But that doesn’t mean you should revert to cuddling up with a bottle of red while wondering, “Why can’t Ryan Gosling make me feel that pretty?” This isn’t every Thursday here, people. Spice things up with the exact opposite of The Notebook. Feeling blue? Here’s the red fire of Mount Doom. Sad and alone? There’s a Fellowship for that.
2. Buy a cheap guitarand smash it
Target audience: The recently single
You hate this day. You loathe this day. You could have had it all today: flowers, chocolate, sex in a public place. Instead, you got a broken heart. A lesser singleton might sit inside, pretend it’s raining and eat their feelings. But you — you’ve got Joan Jett blaring in your head. You want to unleash your inner rock star. Slip on some leather pants and head to your nearest thrift store. There’s a guitar with your ex’s name on it, and it’s about to get smashed.
3. Invite your crush to karaoke and then embarrass yourself on stage
Target audience: The hopelessly enamoured
Oh, no: it’s happening again. You’ve got yourself a crush and they just can’t seem to see you as anything more than that quirky kid from Spanish class with the bad jokes. How can you get them to take notice, you ask? You could dress up as cupid and profess your love to them in the quad. This isn’t a foolproof method, though, and people may just see you as some guy in a diaper. However, there are alternatives to making an ass of yourself in a costume. Why not on a stage in front of your crush and dozens of others? Get that DJ with the strip-club voice to throw on a little “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler and belt out notes you know you can’t hit. Nothing says “be mine” like bombing on stage for someone.
4. Suit up and head downtown
Target audience: The Barney Stinsons of the world
Alone on Valentine’s Day? Challenge accepted! You may have woken up alone this Feb. 14, but you’re not going to take that lying down (that part comes later). Hundreds of people will be out looking to feel special and make some bad decisions, and you owe it to them to do something outrageous. Get on the bar in your dirtiest cowboy boots and dance, Coyote Ugly-style. Hand out roses in your best suit and try the lift from Dirty Dancing. Jump into your classiest pink underwear and get people to join you on a naked mile down Douglas Street. Whatever your suit, you’ll be sure to find someone who will make you feel almost as pretty as Ryan Gosling does.