Hasbro takes a hint and starts Nerfing the world

HUMOUR — Toy company Hasbro has announced a new project to improve the world’s safety. Hasbro wants to cover America’s roads and public areas, such as parks and pathways, in the same substance used to create their popular Nerf products by the year 2030. When asked why they were starting such a project, Hasbro representatives stated that the company wanted to give back to the community.

“People kept asking, ‘Why don’t you go and Nerf the whole world?’ ” says Derrick Altman, Hasbro representative. “We thought it was finally time to give the community what it wants.”

Hasbro has connected with the governor of New York City for the project’s pilot stage. “We know New York is great at trying progressive things first, so we talked to them,” says Altman.

“I think this is a great idea,” says New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “There’s nothing I want more for my city than safety.”

Hasbro researchers claim that Nerfing the world would decrease broken bones in public places by 80 per cent. “Our researchers have been working around the clock for over three months,” says Altman. “Our urban collision and fall experts and have spent countless hours doing field work — sitting on park benches, watching every fall and every scrape and documenting their findings,” says Altman.

“It was emotionally difficult but worth it,” states Andrea Grey, a certified urban fall analyst. “I had to stand by and watch at least two people a day fall over and get bruised and bumped for science. Some of them were children. I’m just glad I can help in changing this dangerous urban area we are subjected to for the better.”

The famous Nerf substance is produced when polyester resin reacts with a compound in the presence of carbon dioxide from another reaction. This gas creates open pockets within the polyurethane and makes the material soft and light. Hasbro plans to cover NYC’s public areas using the same type of planes used to dust crops. The planes will dust New York with the first substance, followed by the second. Nerf experts estimate it will take less than an afternoon to cover key areas throughout the city.

The project is welcome news to many New York residents. “It’s refreshing that something is being done about all the injuries in this city,” says Bill Jackson, a New York native. “I think stopping the trouble at the source, the ground, is really what we need.”

Amanda Flanders, a Brooklyn mother, agrees. She believes Hasbro will create a better world for her children. “I’m glad something is finally being done,” she says. “Now I can finally let my children outside without risk of harm. I never let them go outside without being covered head-to-toe in protective gear. It’ll be nice to not have to get up an hour early every day to get them ready.” Flanders also is excited about saving money after the city is covered in protective foam. “Gallons of antibacterial soap and tonnes of Band-Aids add up over time. It’ll be nice to save on those expenses.”

If all goes as planned, the New York Nerfing should be finished by 2014, though the project is already encountering delays. While the procedure is simple, picking the colour is not. “We can’t decide between Fire Red or Electric Green,” says Altman. “Our scientists suggest green because it would confuse the animals less, but I just like the colour red better.” New York citizens are told to watch for the date and not to venture outside during the Nerfing process.

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