Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Transportation will be a concern this week. Yes, you should buy another Lamborghini Mercy. You’ve earned it, K.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Self-doubt may rear its ugly head this week, but that’s OK! If you’re ever feeling like you’re not good enough, just remember that that’s impossible! You’re Kanye West.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The sign Gemini will manifest quite literally at some point this week when, unlike Prince William, you do it right and MARRY KATE AND ASHLEY! Get it? ‘Cause they’re twins, and sure, you’re not exactly royalty, but you’re pretty damn close. Watch the throne, homie.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The lessons that you have imparted unto others will be challenged this week. However, your students will not fail you and will once again prove to the world that “Yeezy taught them well. Yeezy taught them well.”
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Beware of the confusion technology will bring this week. Remember to calm down, take a deep breath and call Daft Punk to come and fix your light-up jacket and shades.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
This week will be a time of reflection for you. Look in the mirror at least twice a day and let yourself know how awesome you are. In fact, give yourself a high five! Not good enough? Call Jay-Z. Sure, he has a wife, newborn daughter, record label and business empire to manage, but you want that high five and you want it now, son!
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
A promising investment opportunity will come your way this week! Seize it without question, because owning a nuclear power plant will prove once and for all that maybe one man should have all that power.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
The rumour mill is always a looming threat, so it would be best if you took it head-on this week. Address the gossip, tell them they can stop it, and scare them away like a monster. Invite Niki Minaj to help you out. She’s scary as hell. It may also help to work the word “sarcophagus” into your flow somehow. That would be impressive.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Relationships may become turbulent this week. Be sure to ask the pilot what the outside weather conditions are like before getting on the private jet with Kim Kardashian. Wouldn’t want someone to get hurt, amirite?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
This week will bring you a great deal of . . . hold up, hold up. I’m-a let you finish, but I just wanted to say that Sagittarius has the greatest star reading of all time!
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Unfortunate events may remind you of your own mortality this week. Buy some ice for dat wrist. Life is short, but diamonds are forever.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
What she order? Fish filet? Yeah, that shit’s nasty.