Horoscopes for very specific groups of people: Astrology for kung fu action film stars

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The movement of Saturn will mean many hardships for you this week. You might have to run up a wall, start drinking, protect your uncle’s shop from hooligans, leap a chasm, stop drinking, fight an axe gang, protect the Chinese ambassador’s daughter and start drinking gasoline. You’ve been drinking quite a bit. I sure hope you understand these words that are coming out of my mouth.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The past little while has been a test of patience, and even though you are closer to your goals than ever before, this week will be no exception. It would be wise to remember where you have been. Colour-code your memories if you have to. As you move forward, take each pace in stride. Do not forget, however, that you need to be at least ten paces away from the emperor in order to assassinate him.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This week, Jupiter is perfectly aligned for you to deal with any stresses or burdens you may have. If the burden is another person, providing an ultimatum may work best. If the person is too young to understand what you’re talking about, make the choice a simple one, i.e. the choice between a sword and a ball, wherein the sword means he can stay and the ball means he joins his mother in death.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Critical events in your life will soon call for you to make drastic changes. If your family has been murdered by a bloodthirsty warlord (it happens a lot in these parts), consider joining a monastic order! Preferably, join one that teaches kung fu. If the requirements of the monastery are for you to run a gauntlet of 35 chambers, go for it! Who knows — you may even get to create your own chamber someday!

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
The pursuit of knowledge will be paramount to all other things for you this week, but it is not wise to forsake your honour to achieve your goals. You may have stolen the Green Destiny sword and the manuals of skill from Wu-Tang Mountain. You may also have learned how to fly over roofs and bamboo forests with ease, but that doesn’t make stealing okay.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
This week is showing signs of great promise. You may find yourself overcoming great obstacles — maybe even closing that real estate deal! Envision your obstacle as a henchman and yourself as Bolo Yeung. The stars show that you will bash your goal’s chest in, drop your knee on his spine and wrench his neck back, killing him instantly. You may flex your pecks in victory.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You will discover new interests that will fortify the ones you already have. They may even combine to form something completely new and wonderful for you! Do you, for example, give daily devotions to Buddha and practice kung fu? Perhaps take up a sport next! Soccer, maybe?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
There will be much celebration for you soon. Perhaps too much. If the festivities become more than you can bear, remember these words: “Empty your mind. Be formless, shapeless . . . like water. Now, you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash! Be water, my friend.” Preach, Bruce Lee. Preach.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your goals will not come to fruition as planned, but there are lessons in defeat that victory does not have. Run a simulation in your mind and manifest your challenges mentally. How did they beat you? Were they too fast? Do you really think that your challenges being faster or stronger have anything to do with their muscles in this place? Do you think that’s air you’re breathing now?

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan.19)
You will soon meet someone who could potentially have a great impact on your life. If, however, that person has long, white eyebrows and facial hair, a white robe and a petulant disposition, stay away! You don’t want to find out about the five-point-palm exploding heart technique.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Find new and creative ways to handle your problems this week. Consider forging a pair of iron gauntlets and permanently fastening them to your hands. Few opponents will expect you to be a living weapon. There is a chance of diminished dexterity, but as long as you can still make the Wu-Tang “W,” you should be okay.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Hey! You see that guy over there with the long, white eyebrows, facial hair and robes? Walk five steps over to him and say hi! Ask him about the five-point-palm exploding heart technique. It’s really cool! Then walk the same five steps back here and tell me all about it.

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