Professor faces career review after rumours of cannibalism

HUMOUR  — A UVic professor, whose name has not been released, faces accusations from several of his students of eating the meat of humans, specifically UVic science students. Several students have come forward stating that the professor in question has been seen luring students into his office and home after hours only to murder them and eat the remains.

Cindy Pawler, a fourth-year physics student, has come forward claiming to have witnessed such events. “It all started after the professor came back from the sabbatical leave he took to study a cannibalistic tribe in Uganda,” states Pawler. “He started acting weirder than normal, inviting us to ‘educational barbecues,’ which none of us went to. I mean, we’re in fourth year. Who has time to socialize?”

It was then that Pawler and several other students, including fourth-year chemistry major Thomas Raiden, started to notice that their class was getting smaller. “We just started to think that more and more people were skipping. I mean, it was a three-hour night class; what did we expect?” states Raiden. “But come midterm time, there were only about 60 per cent of us there. It didn’t seem likely that 40 per cent dropped out in one week, after the class-drop deadline.”

The students’ suspicions were confirmed after Pawler caught a glimpse of the suspected UVic teacher’s lunch. “I saw a finger in his stir fry. I really did!” states Pawler. “On it was the ring that that weird goth girl in the back of the class always wore.”

After that terrifying confirmation, Pawler, Raiden and several other students took their case to the chair of the science department, Dr. Jon Bergundy. Unfortunately, this led to few results. “We appreciate the students’ concerns, and we believe their testimony,” explains Bergundy. “The professor in question has been seen luring students into his office at night by faculty as well. But because the professor in question has tenure status, there isn’t much we can do.”

Students like Raiden and Pawler are unsatisfied with the department’s decision, but feel the only thing they can do is wait. “I just hope that none of the important students get eaten,” states Pawler. “I mean, we won’t really miss that weird goth girl or the guy in the back that went on Facebook all the time, but we’re running out of those kinds of students in our class!”

Despite the professor’s tenure position, Bergundy and the science department state that they will look at student-teacher reviews at the end of the semester — due to the singularity of the case presented. “It’s really the only thing that we can use to gauge if any review is needed,” states Bergundy. “We just hope there will be enough students by the end of the semester to build enough of a case.”

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