Scientific breakthrough on fart-blame transferral methods

HUMOUR—A new ground-breaking study from the Canadian Research Alliance Project shows that those who smell gas in a social setting are, in fact, responsible for its onset. The study reports that in 94 per cent of cases, whoever smelled it dealt it, while whoever did the rhyme did the crime only 74 per cent of the time.

Head of research, Dr. Ben Dover, said that in all observed cases, individuals sought to avoid responsibility for their actions, with some even claiming that they had “forgotten” that they had done it, and that it wasn’t “a big deal, bro.” Dr. Dover commented: “We found this to be the case irrespective of gender, ethnicity, age, and socioeconomic background. In nearly every instance, accountability was consistently shifted to other entities—real or imagined, animate or inanimate.”

He further stated: “We often observed that in mid-sized groups, gas-release was acceptable—even encouraged. Individuals were generally unwilling to admit to wind-related bodily functions until rewarded with high-fives.”

Some critics have claimed that the study’s parameters are too broad and, ultimately, not verifiable. Elmo Nedson of the Saskatchewan High Institute of Technology stated: “It’s ultimately impossible to derive a meaningful and falsifiable connection between the one speaking the next verse and making the atmosphere worse.” Nedson cited the infamous “Bruckheimer Disaster,” which sought to determine why pants burst while sliding into first.

Overall, the scientific community has lauded the findings; although, insiders claim that senior researchers expressed disappointment over failing to find out whether whoever denied it, in fact, supplied it. Communications Liaison  Boomer, stated: “We were really hoping to establish an association between individual truthfulness and the accumulation of gas in the alimentary tract. This may help us determine whether certain individuals are, literally, full of shit.”

Leave a Reply