Posts Tagged: humour

Study: Aggregate hatred for dandelions to hit record highs in the coming weeks

That’s right, we interviewed your aunt for her thoughts on dandelions Satan’s Yellow Pube. The Lawn Pimple. The Beast with Golden Fangs. All names for the gardener’s bane: the dandelion. According to an academic survey performed by the Martlet in the men’s restroom of UVic’s Tim Horton’s restaurant, dandelion hatred continues to surge to record… Read more »

Elon Musk vows to tackle Canada–US relations

Canadian pop-art musician Grimes is expected to aid Musk in the coming discussions Elon Musk, the uncle of Peter Thiel, has gained something a cult following in the past few years due to the billionaire’s eccentricity and character resemblance to fictional superheroes. Musk has often been compared to a real-life Robert Downey Jr. — a comparison not… Read more »

Clam calamity

The Martlet reaches out to marine life in Victoria poisoned by SSRIs and other medications We have all heard the saying “happy as a clam,” but we could never really measure how happy mollusks were until high doses of antidepressants began showing up in their nervous system. According to the CRD, these clams have been… Read more »

Name twins at UVic

The struggle of having a common name and having to share it My name is Sarah Mayer. The year I was born, Sarah was the fourth most popular female name according to BabyCenter. I am the butt of every white girl joke, many memes across the internet (insert that Zachary Piona vine here), and so… Read more »

The BC Ferries survival handbook

How to make the most of your hour-and-a-half boat ride It’s that time of year again — students are soon to find themselves soliciting services from an organization that every Vancouver Island uncle refers to as “a damn state monopoly.” No one likes the trips made to and from the mainland, and people who didn’t grow up on… Read more »

Baking with Bix: Foccacia Bread

An uninteresting and intermittent cooking column   Are you interested in making friends by implementing your half-assed baking ability? No? Too bad, because you’ll be making them one way or another when your friends-to-be detect the delectable scent of this focaccia bread. This recipe is written for inexperienced bakers, because any self-respecting professional baker wouldn’t… Read more »

5 ways to make your man think you’re a goddess in bed

(According to the patriarchy) 1. Always be excited and ready to have sex whenever your man wants it . . . But don’t have a sex drive of your own The first step to pleasing your man is to always meet his needs. Studies show that men are simply hornier than women, so sometimes you’re going to have to… Read more »